He instructed me to strip, to crawl on the floor and fellate him.
I texted him as soon as I woke up.
“What do you want me to wear today?”
I brushed my teeth and washed my face while I waited for him to text me back.
“White button-down shirt. Tuck it in. Your jeans. Flats. Put your hair in a ponytail. Send me a photo.”
I dressed as instructed, then stood before the wall-length mirror in my apartment’s hallway. Smiling into the mirror, I snapped a photo on my iPhone and sent it to Ben*.
Thirty seconds later, a text message: “Very nice.” Then I knew I could leave for work.
Ben wasn’t abusive. I wasn’t being hurt, nor was I unhappy. We were in a dominant/submissive relationship — or playing at one, anyway — and following his orders got me unbelievably turned on.
Ben cheated on his girlfriend, Rachel, with me; he lied about going on a break with her for me. I was so upset when I found out he lied that I emailed her and told her he’d been cheating. But I haven’t been totally forthcoming about the nature of our relationship. Ben and I weren’t just friends who became attracted to each other; we were both extremely interested in exploring sexual roles as a dom (him) and a sub (me).
Ben cheated on his girlfriend with me, I can now clearly see, because he has strong, natural impulses to dominate a woman in bed. And his girlfriend, Rachel, wouldn’t let him. When we were just close friends, Ben would gripe to me about how he and Rachel rarely had sex.
As time passed, Ben and I talked frequently over IM or over the phone, and flirted with each other more and more. It’s not exactly a secret that I have a fetish about being spanked and at some point — clearly crossing the line of what was appropriate for a guy with a girlfriend and his cute single friend to be discussing — Ben told me he loved spanking women.
He loved it. He loved all types of light, sexual domination play — tying women up, using his paddle, hair-pulling — and Rachel wasn’t into any of that. And when it came to outside-of-bed stuff, Ben described Rachel as resisting his natural inclination toward leadership.
She didn’t particularly like him being protective toward her and he said they bickered constantly. So you can see why I saw an “in” here.
I should be clear, though: Ben wasn’t the first guy I’d come across who professed a liking for domination play. My first serious high school boyfriend was actually the one who flipped the pervert switch, making me realize that getting spanked turned me on. My boyfriends freshman and sophomore year of college both spanked me. And this other guy I dated in college actually took me to a “spanking club” in New York City where he rented a paddle and spanked me in public.
Then I dated Jason* after college and, through my relationship with him, I learned that it wasn’t just spanking that turned me on — it was dominance.
Jason was over six-feet-tall, with a strong and sturdily built. He had a naturally dominant personality. He could be fearless and decisive. He could be a leader. He could be stern and take charge when he needed to. He was protective. And he spanked me and dominated me in bed all the time, of course. But outside of bed, which was starting to feel like catnip in this new, weird way, I always felt “safe” with him because of the way he took charge.
It didn’t work out with Jason for other reasons, but he left me with 100 questions: I’m a feminist. Why do I like this so much? Isn’t this wrong? How can I be a good feminist and still like a man taking charge outside the bedroom?
It was 2006 around this time, so of course I spent a lot of time on Google looking for the answers. By searching terms like “spanking” and “domination,” I discovered many women online who wrote blogs sharing the same desires I held. They had college degrees, jobs, made their own money, but they were sexually attracted to men who dominated them both inside the bedroom and outside.
(Some of these women are what’s called “domestic discipline” arrangements, which have a lot of Christian influences and would take a long time to explain.) I studied these women for over a year and published an article called “Slap Happy” in the feminist/pop culture magazine Bitchabout them. (“Slap Happy” cannot be found online, but writer Amanda Marcotte at the feminist blog Pandagon wrote about it. And my article was included on the syllabus for a Rutgers University Human Sexuality class.)
I can’t explain to you how all-consumingly liberating it felt to know it wasn’t just me who wanted this. This is something hundreds of other women and men love, I thought. This is a part of me and my sexuality that I can be honest about.
I was pretty sure I didn’t want to be dominated by a man all the time like these women; though the idea of domination “play” some of the time, like Jason and I had engaged in, aroused me more than I had ever felt before.
Back to Ben: when he revealed to me that he got off from being dominant, I felt like I’d found the golden ticket. We not only shared the same kink but the same intensity for it. Ben wanted dominance and submission “play,” but all the time? Seriously? Where had he been all my life?
But because Ben was still dating Rachel, we didn’t do anything about this for a long time. We flirted for months and months, occasionally talking about our mutual love of spanking and domination, but in the one very intense month after he said he wanted to break up with Rachel to be with me, domination and submission “play” consumed us. First musing about it. Then doing it over IM, email, phone and text message.
Much of the non-sexual domination “play” with Ben was just a shift of our regular friendship: We’d talk about the stuff we’d usually talk about, but he would take a more dominant role, sternly issuing instructions. For example, I had a co-worker who was experiencing some difficulties, and being the naturally hyper-anxious person that I am I’d fret all the time about the fate of her job.
“Don’t worry about her; it’s not your responsibility. Worry about yourself,” he would say. And I would follow his instructions.
But there was the more obvious domination “play” component: As part of our “play,” I would ask him permission to do lots of things. I told him about all the kinds of bras and panties in my drawers, and each morning he’d tell me which ones to wear, which I would send him in a photo.
I would ask him how to dress each morning. I would ask him if I could watch a movie or if I had to work on writing a freelance article more. If I “disobeyed” him during this sexy-talk “play,” he would tell me over the phone or over IM how he would “punish” me.
But it was the sexual domination that was most amazing to me. Even though we physically had not been intimate with each other yet because of his girlfriend, we had phone sex with each other frequently where he’d verbally explain to me how he was going to spank me.
And much of our IM chats and emails were dirty talk about future spanking “punishments” to come: He would promise I’d be spanked 10 times for this or that infraction. He’d also tell me whether he was going to spank me with his hands or with his paddle. And, of course, we would talk dirty at length about having intercourse. Through all of this, he wanted me to call him “sir.”
Basically, Ben was one kinky motherf*cker.
For the first few weeks, I was horny constantly. And I mean constantly. Never before in my life have I experienced such weeks-long periods of horniness. One weekend, I couldn’t handle the horniness anymore and slept with two different guys and made out with a third. And trust me, I’d never done that before. I really felt like my sexuality had awakened and been released, roaring from the gate.
All the buildup actually raised my expectations too much, because the one and only time Ben and I were physically intimate with each other, it was a bit of a disappointment. Oh yes, he was sexually dominant: He instructed me to strip, to crawl on the floor and fellate him, and he spanked me with the paddle he kept in his closet.
But something about him seemed skittish, like he wasn’t giving 100 percent. I remember thinking, Where’s the guy who is a marvelous dirty-talker? The deflation could have been because Ben was cheating on Rachel with me; however, I got the sense that Ben liked talking about dom/sub more than actually doing it.
I never got to that find out: A week or so later, everything with Ben crashed and burned. It was messy, it was bad, and it was a horrible time in my life. (It’s not necessarily worth repeating and if you must, you can read about it here.)
My spectacular crash-and-burn at a dom/sub relationship, even though it was messy, was educational in ways I never could have imagined. I now see that what Ben and I had wasn’t aromance and we had no foundation to sustain a relationship beyond sex. That was just a disaster waiting to happen.
But I also realize now that Ben and I didn’t know what we were doing and we didn’t have the foundation of trust that a dom/sub relationship needs. Not “should have,” but “needs.” With no exceptions.
I gave Ben trust that he had not earned yet. When he would instruct me to stop worrying about my co-worker, I would listen, but really Ben had done nothing to prove he was worthy of this trust. In fact, if anything, he was negatively trustworthy for not having ended his relationship with Rachel yet. It was my fault for trusting a man who wasn’t trustworthy and I take full responsibility for that.
I also learned that when it comes to sex, sometimes people like talking about stuff more than they like doing it. They think they want it. They say they want it. But — and this is where needing to be able to trust someone’s word comes in — they’re afraid to fully experience what all their sexual impulses are telling them.
Maybe it’s because it’s scary to them. Maybe it’s because it’s so taboo. I don’t really know; I just know that Ben turned out to be that person while I was not.
I’m glad I have nothing whatsoever to do with Ben anymore, but I’m kind of bummed my first foray into a dom/sub relationship didn’t work out. I really would have loved it. Now, I’m in a loving, committed relationship with the man I’m going to marry and we have a happy sex life, but he doesn’t share the same desire for dom/sub “play” that I have.
But these days, given how I had such a negative experience with domination the first time, I’m not eager to repeat it.
Written by Jessica Wakeman.
Introducing the most powerful diagnostic equipment in the world – The Limitless Brain!’
By Daniel Rechnitzer
It is the 1st of January 2017, New Year’s day. I sit and reflect on the year gone by. I am in awe of what has transpired around the world – industries have gone through major flux, having to reach new levels of accountability. But one industry stands tall… the coaching industry. It, too, has undergone massive transformation, like an adult becoming wiser and learning who they really are, learning what is true.
A grin stretches across my face, as I am reminded of my own journey, when I began to discover all that I am….
It was the time I first saw Whole-Brain Intelligence in action, when I learned what is truly possible for us. It was June 1997; I had just sat down to relax, when I was startled by the phone ringing. It was a dear friend with an invitation not to be missed. He had been telling me about a couple who had “abilities”: They could see things about a person, know who they were at their core. They were “amazing,” he said… and they were in town that night!
I decided to embark on this adventure and head out to meet them, to see what was behind these stories. I am so glad I did.
It was 7:00 p.m. – we had arrived on time. The room was filled with people. An electricity was in the air. Everyone was smiling. It was so contagious that I couldn’t help smiling, too.
I was invited by an older woman to experience a treatment. She was the one my friend had told me about. How could I refuse a firsthand glimpse of what these people were capable?
I lay down on the massage table, not knowing what to expect. She needed to calm me, as I was top-heavy with adrenalin and fear. She spoke softly and calmly, having me feel safe and, finally, at ease.
Seated behind me, she gently placed her hands upon my head. She then began talking, remarking about things that were incredibly familiar to me. We had only just met moments before, yet she began recounting my entire life story, revealing to me the reasons why I was feeling stuck in my life, why my back was aching and why I was avoiding a deeper commitment in my relationships. Incredibly, it was all true – every word she uttered.
I was flabbergasted. As I said, we had barely just met. So how could she be speaking to me, as though she had participated in every moment of my life – like she had been watching me since birth? How was she doing this? Was this even possible?
It was as if she had tapped into the truth about my life: who I was, how I was living, what my struggles were, all my key frustrations and – best of all – she provided the answers to resolving them.
She told me more about how I was feeling about my parents, about university, and how I was being particularly self-destructive in my life. She gave me radical insights, answers to questions that had bothered me for months. It all seemed to come so easily to her; I was amazed, to say the least. It felt like she knew more about me than I did.
But what was particularly startling for me was how she spoke. She wasn’t using her own words. They were, word-for-word, my words, my very precise sentence structure! And she verbalized my very thoughts, using my very own phrasing! Needless to say, a paradigm was collapsing.
Could it be that my thoughts were no longer under lock and key? How was she accessing my mind? All this time, I had thought my thoughts were private, hidden from view. Clearly, I was mistaken!
What I had just experienced was extraordinary. My father had often told me about a phenomenon called Universal Intelligence (Ui); but to be faced with it like this, out of the blue… what a mind-blowing experience! My back was healed. I had clarity and certainty about my life. I had received answers to all my questions; but, most importantly, something more expansive had occurred. I was shown the truth, a new paradigm, where answers on any topic could be accessed.
Everything changed from this point on. How could it not?!
I began a long and deep search into my very nature, our nature as human beings. My adventure took me to learning more about these skills, the truth about enlightenment, how our negative beliefs hold us back and what really creates illness in the body. My adventure also took me to learning and practicing these skills for myself – living them, walking the talk every step of the way.
Best of all, my adventure took me to meeting my wife Sonja – beautiful inside and out – and, together, we were able to take this realm of Whole-Brain Intelligence to a profound new level. We went through hardships and massive learning curves to eventually become experts in this field. We started teaching others this amazing gift. We ran workshops and mentored people. Everything was focused around attaining answers through the mind, using it like an antenna to reach Universal Intelligence. Our teachings later got titled “Becoming ALL-KNOWING.”
We learned so much about what is real and how our belief systems distort the truth like an opposite reality, bringing emptiness instead of fulfillment. We were shown through this space that Whole-Brain Intelligence is a unique configuration of the brain, currently quite rare and, in fact, the epitome of brain function. It is where both hemispheres of the brain begin resonating in unison to bring in information beyond what people already know. Like an antenna, the brain actually perceives frequencies of information – similar to a radio picking up signals – but from everything: people, places, situations and, most importantly, a sublime consciousness within, the SuperConscious.
Our “intuition,” as people call it – our sixth sense – turned out to be another way to describe Whole-Brain Intelligence. Where our five physical senses perceive our physical reality, it is our sixth sense, using Whole-Brain Intelligence, that perceives a more subtle reality, thought waves – an endless sea of limitless genius.
Inspiration, our greatest insights, our greatest ideas and wisdom, all enter via this space through a still mind. True genius is accessed via Whole-Brain Intelligence, not from us but through us.
We realized a profound misunderstanding had occurred across humanity – our brain was not stand-alone at all; rather, it can be compared to wireless Internet, connecting everyone and everything. It is just that we were not taught this in school. Thus, leading us to draw only upon a stand-alone brain – and our brain can only do what we expect of it.
We then discovered the reason so few people were accessing it at will. It was because they were not (yet) aware that there was a key – a secret ingredient to accessing Whole-Brain intelligence. It is still rare, difficult to find in today’s society; but, in truth, something we can all access when taught how. The key is pure self-belief. It unlocks the doorway to the mind, expanding beyond what is known to us, opening the mind to unlimited creativity and knowledge – infinity personified!
We have all had many experiences with Whole-Brain Intelligence: the times we walk into a room and feel the energy there, the waves of excitement we feel wash over us in a sports arena, the times we pick up on anger when entering a situation, and the very common experience of thinking of someone moments before they phone us. All of these occurrences are brought to us via Whole-Brain Intelligence. Just like breadcrumbs, these experiences are leading us to vital truths, to something powerful and undeniable.
It has been our belief at the subconscious level – including societal belief systems – that have hidden this Whole-Brain truth from us. Like a shroud cloaking the truth, our beliefs have served to maintain our identity, the non-truth. But underneath these beliefs, as you learn to pierce the veil, the universal truth awaits: that we in fact are ALL-KNOWING.
Our Whole-Brain Intelligence gives us the unique ability to pierce the veil of what seems real, giving us clarity as to what actually is real – to read between the lines and see the hidden truths. Life mimics our thought patterns. Our wellbeing reflects our innermost thoughts, our outer universe reflects our innermost universe, and so on. It is through Whole-Brain Intelligence that we get to see behind the scenes to the thoughts buried deep, the thoughts that are at the root cause of our life experiences. For example, our marriage breakdowns, our financial struggles, illness and disease, the success or failure of our business ventures, even who we are as a species.
So I delved deeper, discovering that underpinning our Whole-Brain Intelligence, essentially linking all human beings, is a field of frequencies… like a melting pot of knowledge and wisdom, of thoughts and intelligence – both, known and yet-to-be discovered. Like ripples over a still pond, this field relays information and insights to those using Whole-Brain Intelligence, gifting them with knowledge, wisdom and guidance.
Contained within this field are all the answers: how to experience an all-natural, pain-free birth, how to move someone from depression to being on purpose in life, how to grow people from living a mediocre life to experiencing their own greatness/full potential in every moment, etc. It is abundant in wisdom, truth and a myriad of ways to protect and grow our future.
The ability to draw on this field gives rise to helping people in a profound new way. The truth really does lie within; and we now know how to access it, share it and grow from it.
This field gives access to tapping into a person’s core being. The answers to entire life-journeys lay hidden beneath layers of self-doubt; but Whole-Brain Intelligence is the key to unearthing these answers. It spawns a new frontier of coaches and a new level of personal development, as we train people to Become ALL-KNOWING. Practitioners are no longer reliant merely on their thinking minds. Instead, they are receiving guidance from intelligence running through and connecting with all of us. They are using their SuperConscious mind to retrieve these answers. Some feel this information; others see pictures, colors or faces. Some hear the words coming through; others receive this guidance using all of their senses.
A profound level of communication occurs, multi-sensory and universal in nature.
A radical notion – a practitioner simply holds an intention to uncover the truth about a situation to uncover the perfect path forward. The answers arrive almost immediately. They do not need to be thought about or considered. They already exist, waiting to be accessed.
Coaching people in this way blew us away. The answers no longer come from us, but through us. One becomes a messenger speaking in the client’s language, using their words, their truth; bringing it from their SuperConscious self to their waking, conscious mind. It is somewhat like having Google as your brain, accessing anything – in this case, the client’s life story, belief systems and ultimate perfect path.
Whole-Brain Intelligence is part of our nature. We are all journeying towards it, over time. Exactly how long it takes is up to us. At first, it can be confronting to learn of something so advanced and effective, yet so simple. But when we see ourselves as deserving and worthy, as we let in this simple truth, we wonder how we ever did without it.
If you could see into a person’s heart, what holds them back and what sets them free, would you wait to access it, or would you move mountains to embrace it? We embraced it, and we have never looked back.
Walking your truth is the greatest gift you can ever give your clients… and yourself!
Daniel Rechnitzer is the Author of “The ALL KNOWING Diary” a treasure map to ALL KNOWING. Like an ancient manuscript, it reveals timeless wisdom and priceless truths, teaching you how to access your ALL KNOWING Brain
Karma: that word that gets thrown around a lot.
People talk about “good” karma versus “bad” karma, or “your” karma versus “mine.”
But despite the term’s popularity, it seems like everybody has a different idea about what it actually means. If karma is truly one of the Buddha’s most important teachings, as he himself repeatedly emphasized, then to follow in his footsteps, we need to be clear about its definition.
The Problems with “Agricultural” Karma
Probably one of the most popular misunderstandings about Buddhist Karma is the idea that everything that happens to us is our karma. If we win the lottery or have an attractive partner, it’s because we performed good deeds in the past—we have “good” karma. If we get hit by a truck or our partner cheats on us, it’s because we misbehaved and have “bad” karma. And, of course, what we do now will determine our future results. Let’s just call this the agricultural view of karma: we reap what we sow.
So, what’s wrong with this idea? Well, whether we’re Buddhist or not, it creates lots of intellectual problems.
The first is that believing we reap what we sow simply seems to contradict a great deal of our experience. We act with kindness, maybe dropping a few coins into a homeless man’s can, only to have him call us a cheap yuppie. Or our chronically underperforming co-worker who spends most of the time surfing Facebook and pilfering office supplies gets a promotion.
In other words, the wicked very often seem to prosper, even thrive, while the good seem to get a goodly portion of crap.
Why, for example, do innocent infants die? They’ve barely had enough time to learn how to digest food properly, let alone perform some wicked deed. (Of course, we need to leave Stewie from Family Guy out of this equation, as well as the idea of the infant proposed by famous psychoanalyst Melanie Klein, who viewed it as a viscous and greedy succubus bent on completely draining the mother of her vital energy.)
I’m sure you’ve already come up with the answer: we must be dealing with more than one lifetime. In fact, the claim is that we have an infinite number of lives extending into the past. With this explanation, all the rewards and atrocities of life fit together like a skillful game of Tetris. We have an account for why infants die, or why we can be completely loving and faithful to our partner, only to end up alone; it’s just our karmic comeuppance from cheating in a previous life.
Sure, we still might feel unhappy because our partner is now dating a princess from Bhutan, but at least we can mourn with a sense of ease, knowing there is some order to events in the universe, and that these personal painful events are just the fruits of old, bad karma. We can also rest easy because in the future, we’ll also reap the rewards of our fidelity—it just might take time.
If we stop here, then all is well.
However, if we push a little further beyond this logical seal, then we confront what we call “the administrative nightmare.” How can all those good and bad deeds possibly be kept track of? And not just in one lifetime, but across infinite lifetimes? What conceivable cosmic ledger could account for all those transactions? It seems like an administrative impossibility to coordinate that vast amount of information and organize events so everything unfolds correctly, and justice gets served to the right people, at the right time, in just the right way. The organizational details are so complex that it leads people to say that karma is some infinitely subtle, ineffable cosmic order, inaccessible to even the most sophisticated minds.
An even bigger problem is that, with infinite lifetimes, absolutely everyone would have enough karma for nearly anything to happen to them. Put it this way: we all have everything coming.
The irony is that this view of karma ends up undermining its original purpose of explaining an individual’s unique, personal history.
Even if we manage to somehow dismiss these logical problems, we’re left with one that chafes at the heart of Buddhism. This view of karma presupposes an abiding self that’s responsible for these events, whereas the Buddha’s central message was the radical proposal that there is no self (anattā). The agricultural view of karma rests on there being some sort of enduring “you” (call it a self, soul, mind-stream, or whatever) who is responsible for what “you” did in the past, and a “you” who will benefit or be cursed in the future.
This view of karma contributes to acting in self-cherishing, ego-reinforcing ways. In other words, it supports the very self-illusion that the Buddha considered the root of our suffering.
Karma as Intention
What did the Buddha really mean by karma? The answer is simple: intention.
He said, “Intention, I tell you, is karma. Intending, one does karma by way of body, speech, and intellect.” Defining karma in this way, the Buddha departed radically from all previous thinking about karma.
In the traditional Brahmanical culture of India, karma generally referred to action. Do good deeds, and the universe will reward you in turn. But by redefining karma as the intentions behind one’s actions, the Buddha was pointing to a deeper truth: the kinds of intentions we habitually entertain—whether they’re generous and loving, or selfish and aversive—will determine the kind of mental space we inhabit. We can’t fully control whether our dog runs away, or whether our partner cheats on us, but we do have a say in what kind of person meets those events.
Karma as intention was the central message the Buddha emphasized over and over. The more any acts of body, speech, or mind are motivated by poisonous intentions such as greed and hatred, the more toxic we become, and the more we suffer, no matter what happens to us externally. The reverse is also true: intentions of compassion and wisdom shape us into beings with greater patience, who are less susceptible to suffering, no matter what happens to us externally.
To put it succinctly: Buddhist karma is not about what happens to you, but who it happens to.
Yes, the Wicked can Prosper
The Buddha’s focus on intention rather than actions and external circumstances allows us to fully acknowledge that the wicked can prosper, and that selfish behavior can bring a person great fortune and power. However, the mental state of such a person surrounded by luxury is a whole different matter. This also means that acting with compassionate intentions won’t magically prevent us from confronting the slings and arrows of life’s misfortune.
But acting out of wholesome intentions opens up the possibility of becoming a person who encounters these challenges with less grumpiness and greater ease. We have exemplars of this possibility in our great spiritual luminaries, such as the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hahn. The fruit of their karma was not the atrocities they were victims of, but the equanimity and active compassion they show in the face of such extreme oppression and violence.
So too, getting sick is not the result of one’s bad karma. People grow old, experience the pain of illness, and eventually die. The Buddha never said you could plant the right karmic seeds to avoid any of these. They’re simply not optional.
However, whether or not we suffer when confronted by them is entirely up to us.
Not Everything is your Karma
In a sense, it’s true that karma means we reap what we sow. The only difference is that we’re sowing in the furrows of the mind, and less so in actual fields in the physical world.
That’s not to say our actions don’t have consequences. If we go around smiling at people, we’ll likely be smiled at in return. If we go around slapping people, we’re sure to get slapped. Yet, the ultimate outcome of our behavior is somewhat unpredictable. We could smile at a stranger, only to have them beat us up in return.
This unpredictability happens because there are other levels of causality working in the universe.
Not everything is our karma.
The Buddha actually taught about these other levels of causality quite explicitly in what are called the five Niyāmas. It’s worth going through them briefly. Here, we give them a modern twist.
The first level of causality is called the Utu Niyāma, or the level of physics and chemistry.
The second level is known as Bīja Niyāma, or biological causality. This new level is necessary because living organisms are more complex than just their physical and chemical constituents.
Continuing up the ladder of emergent complexity, we see that some living organisms have nervous systems and minds, which can’t be fully understood by just looking at the previous two levels of Utu and Bija Niyāma. Therefore, the Buddha talked about the Citta Niyāma, or psychological causality.
Now, some minds have a more hard-wired relationship with the previous levels. Take a lizard, for example. It behaves fairly predictably, based on tight wiring between chemical signals and genetic codes. We will never train a lizard to fetch a newspaper. Other minds, such as those of dogs and horses, have greater flexibility. Yet, teaching a dog to fetch the newspaper depends on an outside stimulus—specifically, our persistent efforts. The behavior doesn’t come entirely from inside the dog’s mind. And in fact, there may be only one animal on this planet with “self-forming” minds: humans. For us, we have to identify another level of causality: karmic or intentional causality, known as the Kamma Niyāma.
Kamma Niyāma opens a space for reflexivity, self-organization, and changing ingrained habits of body, speech, and mind. The preciousness of human life rests in this potential. Karmic causality, in other words, is a whole new level of causality in the universe, allowing us the chance to awaken to the highest level, called Dhamma Niyāma, or Ultimate Reality.
Dhamma Niyāma describes the absolute, indivisible reality, the universe in its entirety. All divisions from these heights are products of a mind struggling to grasp the ultimate. We build conceptual models to try to understand this level, and some models are certainly better than others. If that weren’t the case, the Buddha wouldn’t have bothered teaching. But at this level, all models are equally empty.
To say that everything is our karma is to usurp this vast spectrum of causality into a singular, self-centered mind.
When we realize the complexity we’re dealing with, we no longer see events as a result of karma, but rather as the product of certain physical causes and conditions. We also no longer fall prey to magical thinking, believing, for example, that by giving away money and being nice, we will get money in return and be showered with niceness.
Instead, we realize that when we replace hatred with compassion, or greed with generosity, those intentions will shape the type of being we become, whether rich or poor.
Authors: Culadasa and Matthew Immergut
Editor: Emily Bartran
Photo: Hartwig HKD/Flickr
Source: Elephant Journal
Did you know that just because you are a beautiful blonde size 2 today does not mean that you would be considered beautiful in times past? Much like fashion trends, the perception of beauty has consistently changed over the course of centuries, sometimes for the better, and unfortunately, sometimes for the worse. One thing, however, that will never change is the fact that we will all strive to fit in with what is considered attractive as this is part of human nature.
The art of fitting in has changed drastically from one decade to the next. Don’t believe us? Think back to a time when MC Hammer pants and mullets were all the rage. Trends change for a variety of reasons, most of which leave us looking back at our former selves with laughter. What exactly were we thinking with that floral pantsuit or sequined leotard?
Changes in beauty can be dramatic over time. How has the perception of beauty changed over the past 60 years? How has it changed over the past 600 years? Thanks to a lack of art to depict people’s fashion and features, there is little known about fashion prior to the Renaissance Era. However, we do know what has happened with trends ever since. Here’s a look at 10 ways our perception of beauty has changed over time starting with an era where plump was en vogue.
The Renaissance Era
The Renaissance Era lasted from the 1400′s well into the 1500′s and was a time in which people had a different view on beauty than most of the eras that followed it, especially in terms of the ideal body type. According to much of the artwork of the era, women that had extra fat and wider hips were considered to be the most beautiful. In most of these paintings from the era, fuller figured women were shown in settings where they were courted by dashing and handsome men.
Blonde hair also became a big trend during the Renaissance, as colors started to move away from darker hues, making lighter and brighter colors all the rage. Makeup during this era was extremely pale, but lips were meant to be bright red. Clothing was not very popular, at least according to the paintings of the time. Large dresses were trendy for those who did opt for fashionable clothes, and typically featured oversized shoulders and sleeves that looked like small puffy balloons.
#9 – The Victorian Era
The Victorian Era, between the mid 1800’s and the rest of the century, saw a complete reversal from the beauty standards of the Renaissance in terms of body types. In the Victorian Era, slim waists were all the rage, to the point where it became a danger. It was a contest to have the smallest waistline, with clothing that could help women reduce their waist down to 12 inches. The clothes were constricting to the point where breathing was a chore, causing some women to even break their ribs in the process.
In addition to small waists, women also wanted to make their behinds look larger than ever before, which was better accentuated by such small waists. Petticoats and bustles became popular, which made for an enhanced look in the rear. Colors were not as bright as they were in the Renaissance Era either, calling for bolder and darker colors. These trends in style went completely against the religious views at the time, which was said to be a work of evil.
#8 – The Roaring Twenties
The Roaring Twenties came after the end of the First World War, and started a brand new trend in beauty that was a welcome change from the Victorian Era in terms of comfort. Women no longer had to have tiny waists and large posteriors to fit in anymore, as concealing womanly curves was more common. Short dresses in the flapper style were a lot more comfortable (and popular) than the long dresses from the Victorian Era.
Corsets were still popular, but were far from being as lethal as they were elastic with an extra give that was far from dangerous as it was used to conceal any bumps around the waist. The other big beauty trend was the bob hairstyle, which was combined with pale skin and thin eyebrows to achieve the perfect look at the time. Before the 1920’s, makeup styles were seen as low class, but everything changed during the Prohibition Era when everyone seemingly came together in stylized fashion to find illegal ways to drink together.
#7 – The Golden Age
The Golden Age was named as such for the fact that it was the Golden Age in Hollywood. This era spanned from the end of the Roaring Twenties to the end of the Second World War. The appearance of new celebrities on the screen made women more self-conscious than ever before with a strong desire to look like the stars they saw on the silver screen. Women took to the gym to work on their bodies, making muscles the new trend in body beauty.
Some of the most notable fashion designers of all time came to prominence in this era known for its padded bras to help enhance appearances for a starlet look. As long hair grew more popular, the bobs of the 20’s were grown out without preference to a single color of hair, as there were redhead, brunette and blonde stars. Makeup also became more feminine and didn’t have many layers, as natural beauty was more celebrated in this time.
#6 – Mid-Century
The 1950’s marked the middle of the century, a time where the World Wars were finally over and beauty changed yet again. The ideal body type was no longer a muscular one, but instead one with curves and feminine appeal. A lot of this had to do with the emergence of Marilyn Monroe; who would become the symbol of beauty in the era. Marilyn was the epitome of the hourglass figure which you can still see is popular today.
The ideals of the time were very conservative, so women dressed the part. It was a common belief in society that women should not leave the house without looking perfect from head to toe. Some of the fashion trends included button down sweaters and other long dresses that showed very little flesh. Short hair was back in style, but curly styles were trendier than the bob of the 20’s. The quest for perfect skin made makeup a must-have in the 1950’s.
#5 – The Hippie Era
Perhaps there was no bigger contrast between two consecutive eras than the one that happened between the 1950’s and the 1960’s. Modeling started to become almost as popular as acting in films. Because of the growing popularity, many of the models that we saw at the time were very thin. This thin body type was a popular one for non-hippies who, at the time, preferred to wear knee high boots, short skirts and tunics. For the hippie types, however, things were completely different.
For those who attended Woodstock, the look was completely natural. There was no ‘ideal body type’ for the culture, and makeup was completely ignored. Women did not feel forced to fit into beauty trends of the time, and uniqueness was widely accepted. Sunglasses, headbands, tie-dye shirts and bell bottom jeans were all the rage. As you can see and perhaps experienced firsthand, these were two completely different looks at the time, which is a rare occurrence on the list.
#4 – The Disco Era
For the last 100 years or so, music has had a lot of influence on what the ideal type of beauty is in society. Instead of the hard rocking late 1960’s, popular music shifted over into the Disco scene (albeit for a very brief period). Thin body types were still trendy during the Disco Era, but it was taken to an even farther extreme than we saw in the Hippie Era. Body types in the Disco Era were pronounced with high waist jeans for an even slimmer look and tight wrap dresses.
Perhaps the biggest trend we saw in the 1970’s that is still talked about today is the hairstyle, which was made popular by a poster featuring Farrah Fawcett. Long and blonde was how it started, but feathering was the vital addition that people needed in terms of hairstyles to fit in. One more trend that started in the 1970’s that we still see today is the addition of tanning beds for a look that is much easier than spending hours in the Sun.
#3 – The 80’s
One era that we will always look back on and wonder, “What were we thinking?” is the 1980’s. The 80’s saw the rise in VHS tapes that taught aerobic fitness as it made its way into the living rooms of millions. The body type of the instructors in the videos were ideal at the time. And, even worse, the instructor’s notorious spandex suits somehow became an acceptable outfit to wear in public. Maybe even worse than those outfits were the shoulder pads that made women look like NFL linebackers.
Hairstyles in the 80’s quickly ditched the feathered look and went straight to the hairspray department as bigger hair was an arms race, which is something we are forever glad is well documented in films and pictures. Makeup was also enlarged, as the more colors there were, the better it looked. Big blue eyeliner and bright lipstick made for a weird contrast, but it was ‘in’ at the time. Models also popularized thicker eyebrows, which was a big contrast to previous eras.
#2 – The 90’s
Flashy over the top looks had gone by the wayside by the end of the 1980’s only to be traded in for something that was beyond somber as the grunge era made its way into style. Flannel, lumberjack type looks were popular in parts of the country, while others wanted to look like models of the time. Heroin chic kicked off in the 1990’s, and looking thin hit critical (lack of) mass as looking as though you have been addicted to drugs for years became a trend.
The late 1990’s thankfully saw a shift towards normalcy, as shows like “Friends” helped to introduce new trends that were more conventional and even started the biggest hair trend of the decade, known as the ‘Rachel.’ Even guys became interested in hair trends in the late 1990’s thanks to Eminem and his bleach blonde hair, which other singers adopted to make it even more popular. Now, we can all look back at our yearbook photos from the era and have a nice laugh at ourselves.
#1 – The New Millennium
We can say that the trends of today are completely normal but, to be honest, we are already laughing about what we thought was trendy in the 1990’s and that seems like it was just yesterday. The pressure to look thin is still around and people continue to take it to dangerous measures as plastic surgery has become more common than ever. It still hasn’t been perfected, though, so the results can look terrible if done in the wrong way.
But what is the biggest trend in fashion today? It’s hard to say as everyone has taken a very unique approach to their fashion. Thanks to social media and a way of showing what we dress like, there is no universal way to look or dress. No matter what you want to do to yourself, there is a tutorial you can find online. This means that we are slowly starting to see the death of ‘fashion trends.’ We’ll see what the next decade looks like, but we’re sure it will be different.
I’ve been completely sober now for twelve months. People keep asking me how an earth I did it. They had questions like how do you be social, how do you relax, how do you have fun, etc. All you need to go twelve months without alcohol and come back a champion are these seven simple steps.
1. Chunk it down
Initially, I told myself I was giving up for one month; then it became three months, then twelve months, and now I have completed a year, and I know I can give it up forever. If you want to give up alcohol for at least twelve months, then you have to chunk down the milestones.
Starting at twelve months won’t work because it’s too long. You need to have a few quick wins along the way and then once the twelve months comes around, you’ll realise that excessive drinking is for retards who are going nowhere in life, and are trying to escape their current circumstances – that’s not you.
2. Have a higher purpose
Not something small but something that is revolutionary. Start saying no to drinking nights regularly even though your friends and colleagues might be upset. In the beginning, it will be hard and you will feel lonely. You will feel like an outcast with no friends who can’t have fun anymore.
When you finish your work at the end of the week, go home early, and then wake up early the next day. When your friend’s text you to say how good their night was last night, just put the phone down and start working on your dream straight away.
As Saturday night comes around, have dinner with your friends and then leave when they all head to the bar. Go home, and work on your dream. When you are absolutely exhausted from all the work that night, go outside for a moment, look up, and see the stars.
See the one that is shining the brightest and realise that is you. Get your mind to understand that not drinking is the way for you to achieve everything you have ever wanted. Tell yourself that cold winter’s night that you were destined to do bigger things.
Seek comfort in knowing that you are not missing out on anything, and you are doing what you have always wanted. On Sunday, go to the market and try buying some vegetables. Come home, and eat them or juice them. Notice how freaking good you feel.
Ask yourself the question, what if I could feel this all the time? For the rest of your day keep working on your dream even when those around you think you’re nuts. Just before it get’s dark, make some tea, go outside, and watch the sunset.
Reflect on how great your day has been and how you have turned your circumstances around. As the yellow and orange from the sun shines on your face, commit to being in greater control of your life and notice how you are starting to feel more powerful each day.
Notice the champion beginning to awaken within you. As your phone alarm clock goes off for the start of Monday morning, wake up full of energy and go to your income-producing activity with a smile on your face. Even if everyone around you has a negative look on their face, smile at them.
Once your computer has booted up, go somewhere quiet, and do five minutes of meditation with the Calm app. Realise how easy it is to bring yourself back to the present. Remember how your thoughts used to be before you began meditating.
At lunchtime, get off your ass and go for a walk to find a healthy option to have for lunch. Forget all the people trying to call your phone and just have some time for you. On the way home, stop to fill up with petrol.
When you see a heroin addict getting ready to rob the store, warn the nice lady who always tries to serve customers with a smile. When she asks why you care, just tell her that you do and smile again. Get back in your car and drive home with the latest personal development podcast that you downloaded the week before.
Think about what your life was like before you discovered Tony Robbins and just how miserable alcohol made you when you tried to forget about your current circumstances. Remember all the girls you hooked up with when you were drunk and how none of them actually cared about you, and it was just the fake effects of the alcohol that made it all happen.
Hone in your thoughts to focus on how your life has become nothing more than you, your dream, eating healthy, meditating, and giving to others.
On Monday night, check out your Instagram account and see the photo of the last time you had an alcoholic beverage and be proud of yourself. Know that it was your thoughts and your dream that created this new reality.
Before you go to bed, stay up an extra hour and write a blog post like this so you can share your experiences with the world to help them with their own struggle with alcohol. Picture that Tim Ferriss is reading your blog post and that he would be proud of who you’ve become.
Visualise other game-changing human beings also reading this same blog post and waiting for you to get better at your craft. Visualise how great it will be when the world discovers your true talent which has nothing to do with alcohol or the losers you meet at the bar who are still trying to escape.
At 9 pm, tell yourself it’s time for bed and then stop yourself, and go back to your computer so you can create a design contest online for the purpose of creating your new ebook cover. Be excited about how good the design is going to look and how your dream is to inspire millions of people.
Make the act of inspiring others more important than everything else you do. In the coming weeks, when times get tough, think of what it’s going to be like standing on stage and sharing your story with thousands of people.
Take your mind into the future and picture yourself watching a movie that has been made about your life because you didn’t let alcohol win and you became a champion that everyone will remember. When you wake up on Tuesday, turn on your computer and see the email you have been waiting for that makes all of those sober days worthwhile. See the email that is your dream coming to life.
Realise you have now come back a champion!
3. Stop suppressing your thoughts
Booze is used mostly as a form of escape. This need for an escape is caused by the suppression of negative thoughts and one’s current life circumstances. Come to terms with your reality and make it a must to grow every single day. Booze will quickly become boring – trust me.
Then, when you work on yourself every day and find ways to have more positive thoughts than negative ones, there’s nothing to suppress anymore. Alcohol becomes a way to suppress positive thoughts, and you’ll realise pretty quickly that’s the last thing you want.
4. Find other ways to reward yourself for hard work
Alcohol is often used as a reward for hard work. What I found, and what you’ll find, is there are other ways to reward yourself. During my hiatus from alcohol I took up eating at my favorite restaurant Vegie Bar, drankdelicious Chinese tea, and traveled the world.
These options are so much better than booze. Since quitting alcohol I have 10X’d my results further by giving up caffeine. Caffeine does us no favours, and I have since fell in love with “Caffeine Free Teas” that taste just as good as regular tea.
5. You’ll have more money
Booze is expensive nowadays. In Australia, it’s pretty easy for me to blow $150-$200 on alcohol with my eyes closed. It’s expensive and useless at the same time. A better use for the money is to put it into starting an online business or your next travel adventure (that’s what I did and you can too).
6. Think of the time you will get back
Boozy nights don’t just take up your time while you’re drinking. Drinking typically takes six hours or more to get into a dehydrated enough state that you feel drunk. At the end of the six hours, you will go on a downward spiral followed by either vomiting or sleep.
The next day you will try to wake up and probably decide to sleep a few extra hours because you feel strangely tired (I wonder why). When you do finally wake up your head will weigh more than those unused gym weights sitting in your garage that you swear you will regularly lift one day.
For the next few days, you will function, but you won’t feel overly productive – you’re basically doing a half-assed job at your work. Then, as if by magic, you will get a (insert illness here), and start taking medicine that makes you more sick.
Before you know it, two weeks will pass, and you will have got jack all done. That’s motivation to quit alcohol right there. Having all this time back in your life could completely change your circumstances and your success. I promise you booze is the problem for you right now.
7. Be a high performer
As I sped past those around me in terms of performance, I became motivated in a different way. High performers typically are not trying to escape life; they are trying to live life at the highest level. Most people that were around me when I gave up booze had no idea about my entrepreneurial background which gave me a taste of peak performance.
These same people didn’t know my one secret; personal development. That’s how you excel through the ranks and outperform everyone. Once you realise this, you will see that booze is the anchor that’s keeping you at the bottom of the ocean with the algae, where it’s dark and lonely.
Author: Tim Denning
Source: Addicted to success
The most important thing you need to know about the subconscious mind is that it is always “on”. That is, it is active day and night, regardless of what you are doing. The subconscious mind controls your body. You cannot hear this silent inner process with your conscious effort. You need to start taking care of your subconscious mind. It is vital to maintain your mind in a state of expectation of only good events and make the usual mode of your thinking based solely on loyalty, justice and love.
Faith and belief are the foundation of the subconscious. Do not forget that “you will be rewarded according to your faith”.
A Protestant minister who suffered from lung cancer wrote about his methods of transferring thoughts of perfect health into his subconscious mind: “Two or three times a day, I put my body and soul in a relaxed state, repeating these words:
“My feet are completely relaxed, my legs are relaxed. Right now, my stomach muscles are relaxing. My heart is beating quietly, my breathing is calm and relaxed. My head is completely relaxed, my whole body is completely relaxed and calm.”
After about five minutes, when I got into a drowsy, sleepy state, I repeated: “The perfection of the God’s plan finds its expression in me. My subconscious mind is filled with thoughts of that I have perfect health. My image is spotless before God.” This priest managed to heal himself.
Here are some brief recommendations to help you use your subconscious power for your best:
1. Your subconscious mind not only controls all the processes of the body but also knows the answers to the various questions and can solve many problems.
2. Before going to bed, refer to your subconscious mind with a specific request and soon you will see its miraculous power in action.
3. Anything that is captured in your subconscious mind will directly affect you in the form of emotions, circumstances and events. Therefore, you need to watch closely what thoughts and ideas govern your mind.
4. All experiences arise from unfulfilled desires. If you are focused on various issues and problems, thus will be the reaction of your subconscious mind.
5. When you have a specific goal or dream, consciously repeat this statement: “I believe that the power of the subconscious, which gave me this desire, will embody it in me now.”
6. Stress, anxiety and fear can disrupt the natural rhythm of breathing, heart rate and work of any other part of the body. Cultivate in your subconscious mind thoughts of health, peace and harmony, and all the functions of the body will return to normal.
7. Fill your subconscious with expectations of the best experiences and emotions, and your thoughts will become a reality.
8. Imagine a positive outcome of your problems, fully feel the enthusiasm from what has happened. All your fantasies and feelings are clearly accepted by your subconscious and then implemented in life.
However much we would like to avoid them, rejections are a regular part of life. We get ignored by neighbors, out posts don’t get ‘liked’ on Facebook, our sexual advances get rebuffed by our partners, our colleagues go to lunches without us, we get blindsided by divorce, fired unexpectedly from our jobs, and ostracized by our families or communities. Rejection come in all shapes and sizes but the one thing they all have in common is how much they hurt.
Why do rejections hurt so much? The answer is quite surprising.
When scientists did fMRI studies (functional brain scans) they discovered that the same areas of the brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. This is also why almost every culture around the world uses the term hurt feelings to characterize how we react to rejection—our feelings literally hurt.
There is good reason for rejection to mimic physical pain in our brain, or at least, there was good reason. Back in our hunter gatherer days, being ostracized from our tribe was akin to a death sentence, as we were unlikely to survive alone. We therefore developed an early warning system to let us know when we were at risk for getting ousted. People who experienced rejection as more painful were more likely to correct their behavior, stay in their tribe, and live to pass along their genes.
Now that we know what happens in our brains when we get rejected, let’s look at what happens in our minds.
1. Rejection causes surges of anger and aggression that we take out on those around us.
Getting dumped by someone we’re dating would make anyone angry. But the anger rejection causes is not just a momentary reaction. Numerous studies have demonstrated that even mild rejections make people subsequently redirect their anger and aggression toward ‘innocent’ bystanders such as our friends and family members. Because this can occur hours later, we might not be aware that having our poetry submission turned down that morning contributed to our barking at our partner when we got home that night.
The more significant the rejection, the more anger and aggression it is likely to generate. Indeed, in 2001, the Surgeon General of the U.S. issued a report stating that rejection was a greater risk for adolescent violence than drugs, poverty, or gang membership. Rejection is also the trigger for many incidents of violence against women. Of course, most people are not violent. But being irritable, having an edge to our tone, and losing our cool when we should not are all examples of ways in which we might be reacting to small rejections we’ve suffered in the recent past.
Seeking emotional support from someone who cares about us and hearing a kind word can help soothe our anger, especially if we do so immediately following the rejection.
2. Rejection damages our ‘need to belong’.
Another legacy of our tribal days is that we have a basic need to feel as though we have a place within our group—that we belong to a tribe. This need becomes destabilized when we get rejected, which adds to our discomfort and emotional pain.
One way to address this often unconscious need is to reconnect with our core group. Making plans to visit with or talk with a family member or someone from our ‘inner circle’ can help alleviate this internal tension and help us feel more connected and less alone in the immediate aftermath of a hurtful rejection.
3. Rejections make us join ‘fight club’ and beat ourselves up.
One of the most common yet unfortunate things we do after a rejection, especially a romantic one, is to list all our faults and inadequacies and kick our self-esteem when it’s already down. The reality is that most romantic rejections are a reflection of insufficient fit or match. The incompatibility might be in lifestyle, goals, interests, or appearance—one person prefers blonds and we’re a brunette, or another likes guys with scruff and we tend to be clean shaven—but that’s all it is, an insufficient fit.
Seeking fault in ourselves only deepens the emotional pain we feel and makes it harder for us to recover. Therefore, to avoid harming your already battered self-esteem, go with the interpretation that is most likely and least damaging—that you weren’t the right match for the person. If they give you the ‘It’s not you, it’s me” speech—believe them!
4. Rejection temporarily damages our ability to think clearly.
Just as it’s difficult to focus and concentrate when we have a terrible tooth ache, the emotional pain we feel after a rejection makes it difficult for us to think clearly. Studies found that merely thinking about being rejected or being alone was enough for people to score substantially lower on IQ tests, tests of decision making and tests of short term memory.
Therefore, when we’re in the immediate aftermath of a rejection, we should take time to address our emotional pain before we jump back into work or studying—when it’s possible to do so. One way to ease emotional pain is to reaffirm our self-worth by reminding ourselves of what we have to offer in the relevant sphere—as romantic partners, employees, or friends.
For example, if we were rejected by a dating partner, we should make a list of the valuable and meaningful qualities we believe we possess such as, loyalty, caring, supportiveness, emotional availability, having good listening skills, and others. We should then write a couple of paragraphs about why the quality is important in relationships and how we would manifest it in future situations.
Using such self-affirmation exercises has been shown to reduce emotional pain, boost self-esteem, and restore cognitive functioning after a rejection. Make sure to write things out, as writing helps us ‘absorb’ the message far more effectively than just thinking it through.
5. Rejection causes us to over generalize.
When we get rejected we tend to focus so much attention on our immediate hurt and what led to it that we are likely to lose perspective and overgeneralize the incident. Instead of lamenting a specific breakup we tell ourselves, I’ll always be alone!” Instead of feeling bad about getting rejected by a potential employer we say things like, “I’ll never find another job!”
We all tend to overgeneralize when we get rejected and we typically convince ourselves that our exaggerated fears and despair are warranted. However the truth is one breakup has nothing to do with another. The fact that you didn’t click with one person does not mean you won’t click with the next one, as everyone is different. The same goes for employers, friends, and any other rejection scenario.
In order to avoid deepening your emotional pain and damaging to your self-esteem even further, watch your language. Make sure to state things accurately and to not overgeneralize. Describe specific incidents and avoid phrasing things as themes and patterns. For example, don’t call your friends and say, “I got dumped again. Why do these things keep happening to me?” Instead, say, “He/she broke it off.” Or “It didn’t work out.”
Recognizing the five unconscious ways we react to rejection and taking steps to address them will minimize the emotional pain and anger you feel, help your self-esteem recover, and restore your clarity of thinking. Remember that psychological injuries are similar to physical ones—we can and should take steps to treat them. Doing so will make them heal faster and prevent them from becoming ‘infected’ and causing further damage down the road.
Source: Pick The Brain
There comes a point in every person’s life when he or she parts ways with someone: ex, friend and anyone in between.
Upon first meeting this person, there’s a sweet beginning, but once you come to really know each other and grow comfortable, you suddenly realize that the relationship no longer brings any particular value to your life and is perhaps, even detrimental.
Sometimes, we hold on to people purely based on how long we have known them. Time can tie people together, but if you feel as though there’s nothing substantial keeping you connected, time is not a strong enough reason to hold on to something that’s simply no longer worth holding onto.
We grow complacent with people once we’re comfortable with them. But, hanging onto someone for the pure sake of it and because you don’t know anything else isn’t a good enough reason.
Fear is another reason why we can’t move on. There’s the fear of being alone and not being able to find someone else; fear of someone using our deepest and darkest secrets as blackmail; fear of the hate and tension that will ensue; fear of regret once someone is gone.
Sometimes, things are better left as mere memories. You can try to change things back to how they were or try to create things to be the way you want them, but you’ll never be truly happy because it’ll never be anything like how things once were.
If anything, there’s now too much pressure and expectation in the air to recreate what you both once had. Instead, hold on to and cherish the memories, but move forward. Be thankful for what a friendship or relationship brought you and taught you.
Beyond that, friendships and relationships — whilst they do have their downfalls and can require fixing — should essentially come naturally.
If a person isn’t bringing something significant to your life, not treating you how you’d like or isn’t the type of person you want him or her to be, it’s a clear sign that you need distance.
While it would be selfish of you to not accept a person for whom he or she is, it would be unfair for you to have to endure a friendship or relationship that isn’t cultivating a better you.
Now that we have come to ascertain why you may be holding on, let’s make it clear why you need to let go:
1. Let go because things are not the same anymore.
People simply grow a part, which is perfectly normal. You realize you want different things, no longer share the same interests, no longer understand and no longer connect.
Sometimes, it’s a matter of accepting that it takes time to let go, rather than holding on to something that just can’t be brought back, was lost a long time ago or perhaps, was never really there at all.
It’s difficult to hold on to people in life, but remember that you’re destined to meet different people along your journey who will bring you happiness, sorrow, pain and joy.
2. Let go because the trust and loyalty isn’t there.
If you know in your heart that you can’t trust this person and he or she cannot be loyal, then you need to ask yourself why this person is in your life. Trust and loyalty are the foundation of any friendship and relationship.
If they’re not present, it may only lead to paranoia, frustration, tension and anger that you’re better off without feeling.
Find someone with whom you can share your deepest darkest secrets and you know that after walking away, his or her lips will remain tightly sealed. Find someone whose faithfulness to you will be unquestionable because his or her actions, rather than empty promises, bring you a peace of mind.
3. Let go because you are unclear of where things stand.
Engaging in an undefined friendship or relationship is confusing because you don’t know what you mean to the person, if anything at all. If the person can’t make you feel as though you’re significant, reflect on why you’re allowing someone to treat this way.
Be in the company of someone who is proud to have you in his or her life and will make that known to you and the rest of the world. Be in the company of someone who won’t gamble with your heart and mind simply because he or she knows you’re not going anywhere.
4. Let go if the friendship or relationship is damaging to you.
If the friendship/relationship is making you unhappy or miserable, it’s time to bid the person farewell. We must not allow ourselves to feel trapped and used to being treated far less well than we deserve.
If someone is putting you down, competing with you, not paying attention to you, not caring about you, abusing you, embarrassing you in front of others, making you question yourself, belittling you or simply just not caring about you, remove the negativity from your life as soon as possible. Respect yourself enough to be able to walk away.
5. Let go if you simply don’t see eye to eye.
It is hard to make a relationship work if you can’t ever agree or see each other’s points of view. If the one thing you can agree on is that neither of you can agree, it might be time to walk away.
In many friendships and relationships, people come together through unlikely chances, through their differences and lack of similarities. Therefore, it can work, but if you find that it’s a significant source of many of your disputes and tensions, get out now.
6. Let go if you’re the one fighting to make it work.
If your relationship makes you feel as though you’re the only one putting in effort, time and love, reflect on whether or not it’s worth it. If someone truly loves you, cares for you or wants and needs you, the person will never allow you to invest disproportionate effort.
Find someone who makes you feel worthwhile and worthy. Find someone who fights to have you in his or her life. Find someone who knows how lucky he or she is to have you.
Find someone who acknowledges everything you have done and will do. Don’t waste your time on anything less.
7. Let go if he or she doesn’t encourage you or believe in you.
If you find that your relationship isn’t providing you with support, reflect on what the person is providing. You deserve someone who will be there to encourage you throughout your journey and believe in you maybe even more than you believe in yourself.
8. Let go if the relationship isn’t bringing you what you want and need.
Ask yourself whether you can do without the relationship or whether it’s something you unquestionably want and deserve. Sometimes, there’s this belief that we can be “too fussy” with what we want from others in life, but then again, why should we settle for anything less than happiness?
Don’t ever allow someone to make you feel needy for wanting someone who will love, care and support you, someone who will listen and give you insightful advice, someone who wants the same things, someone you can trust and will be loyal to you, someone who believes so strongly in you and your capabilities. Just someone who makes you feel like you’re someone.
Author: Alyssa Ho
Source: Elite Daily
Today I want to give you some strategies in case you ever have a little wobble within your business and start to wonder whether you are cut out for success. And when I say ‘you’ I am really speaking as much to myself as anyone. Tiredness, events not going quite the way we want them to, a lack of money or a dip in motivation can all lead to doubt, confusion and a creeping sensation that maybe we aren’t on the right path.
However if overall your business lights you up these are just testing times and we need to find ways of pushing through and getting to a more positive place. Therefore, I wanted to share with you the following six things to remember when your confidence evaporates.
1. You Deserve Success
Is that little voice of doubt speaking to you from the back of your head, you know the one – the one that says you don’t deserve success? Maybe it is telling you all the reasons why you aren’t good enough.
- You are too young
- Too old
- Not thin enough
- Not smart enough
- Everything you have ever tried didn’t work out
- Remember the time you messed up x, y or z – that’s only going to happen again you know
Don’t listen to that voice – you have totally got this and you do deserve to succeed, regardless of what you have said, done or failed to do in the past. I’m positive that a large percentage of people who have succeeded in all types of endeavours probably heard that voice all the way up to the point when things started to go their way. If you need help to conquer the negative voice in your head read Tara Mohr’s Playing Big (Amazon UK/USA).
2. Life is Short
If you don’t give this (whatever this is for you – a business, a change in career, a dream of something or someone you have always wanted to be) your best shot now, then what is the alternative? Give up and try it again in 5 year’s time? As I wrote in this post what spurred me on to change my life was the realisation that life is so, so short. Of course, I’m not saying keep doing the same thing over and over if it’s not working, you might need to change tack or try a new angle or get some assistance, but don’t settle, there’s just not enough time for settling. One quote which means a great deal to me and which was said in this commencement address by Jim Carrey, is:
“You can fail at what you don’t want so you might as well take a chance on what you love”
3. Mistakes are Essential
It is only by the mistakes we make that we learn to grow and find a better way. A baby makes thousands of so called ‘mistakes’ before he or she has even reached their first birthday. They make mistakes trying to walk, trying to find their mouth (no it’s not up there on top of your head) and even trying to express themselves with their first words. But we don’t tell them they are losers or failures (like we sometimes tell ourselves) we give them love, we point them in the right direction and ultimately they always get it right. Our mistakes are just ways of helping us to get to our destination too – let’s be a little kinder to ourselves.
4. Action Is Your Friend
If you are agonising over how to do something in your business – waiting until it is totally perfect before you move ahead – then this can cause you problems. Better to take action – just do something, make the first move and your momentum will carry you through. It doesn’t matter if your sales page isn’t 100% perfect or if that blog post could do with some work – better to have something out there in the world than nothing. Then you can refine and with each and every step you take you will improve.
5. Not Everyone Lives in an Instagram Home
I have talked about this before but comparison can be a really bad thing. I am super guilty of this because I look around at everyone else and I think they have a great home, great life, great children, they are super slim and fit and mega talented. And people probably do have – or are – some of those things – but not all the time. They have their doubts too, their insecurities, their problems. Clutter still builds up on their hall table and their shower isn’t as sparkly as in the advertisements.
The only antidote I have found for this is to be super grateful for what I have now (and no, I am far from perfect at this) but if you really start to examine all the positives it takes away a little of the edge of the comparison you feel. Think about your health, your friends, your family, your pets, the super nice people you have met online…..see you feel better already
6. Think About the Now
All we have is the present moment. Our fears can run away from us and tell us all the worst case scenarios, but those thoughts are just that – thoughts. Just as something terrible could happen, it’s equally likely that something wonderful might be on the horizon. The way we can influence that is by bringing ourselves back to the present moment.
Decide what we can we do today to move even one step closer to where we want to be – then go do it.
Oh and while you are doing it, remember point 1 – you rock and you totally deserve this. Rinse and repeat until suddenly your energy is back, you are filled with enthusiasm again and that little wobble is forgotten.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this post – please do leave a comment below. And if you liked it (even just a little bit) please could I ask you to do me a huge favour and click to share it on Twitter (it’s all set up and ready to go). Thanks muchly!
In a perfect world, each person we interact with would be nice, kind, considerate, mindful, generous, and more. They would get our jokes and we would get theirs. We would all thrive in a convivial atmosphere where no one was ever cross, upset, or maligned.
However, we don’t live in a perfect world. Some people drive us crazy, and we (admittedly) drive a few mad as well. Those we dislike are inconsiderate, rushed, malign our character, question our motives, or just don’t get our jokes at all — but expect us to laugh at all theirs.
You might wonder whether it is possible to be fair to someone who ruffles you all the time, or someone you’d rather avoid eating lunch with. You might wonder if you should learn to like every person you meet.
According to Robert Sutton (a professor of management science at Stanford University), it’s neither possible — nor even ideal — to build a team comprised entirely of people you’d invite to a backyard barbecue.
That’s why smart people make the most out of people they don’t like. Here’s how they do it.
1. They accept that they are not going to like everyone.
Sometimes we get caught in the trap of thinking that we are nice people. We think that we are going to like everyone we interact with — even when that’s not going to happen. It’s inevitable you will encounter difficult people who oppose what you think. Smart people know this. They also recognize that conflicts or disagreements are a result of differences in values.
That person you don’t like is not intrinsically a bad human. The reason you don’t get along is because you have different values, and that difference creates judgment. Once you accept that not everyone will like you, and you won’t like everyone because of a difference in values, the realization can take the emotion out of the situation. That may even result in getting along better by agreeing to disagree.
2. They bear with (not ignore or dismiss) those they don’t like.
Sure, you may cringe at his constant criticism, grit your teeth at her lousy jokes, or shake your head at the way he hovers around her all the time, but feeling less than affectionate to someone might not be the worst thing. “From a performance standpoint, liking the people you manage too much is a bigger problem than liking them too little,” says Sutton.
“You need people who have different points of view and aren’t afraid to argue,” Sutton adds. “They are the kind of people who stop the organization from doing stupid things.” It may not be easy, but bear with them. It is often those who challenge or provoke us that prompt us to new insights and help propel the group to success. Remember, you are not perfect either, yet people still tolerate you.
3. They treat those they don’t like with civility.
Whatever your feelings are for someone, that person will be highly attuned to your attitude and behavior, and will likely reflect it back to you. If you are rude to them, they will likely throw away all decorum and be rude to you too. The onus; therefore, is on you to remain fair, impartial, and composed.
“Cultivating a diplomatic poker face is important. You need to be able to come across as professional and positive,” says Ben Dattner, an organizational psychologist and author of The Blame Game. This way you won’t stoop to their level or be sucked into acting the way they do.
4. They check their own expectations.
It’s not uncommon for people to have unrealistic expectations about others. We may expect others to act exactly as we would, or say the things that we might say in a certain situation. However, that’s not realistic. “People have ingrained personality traits that are going to largely determine how they react,” says Alan A. Cavaiola, PhD (psychology professor at Monmouth University in West Long Branch, New Jersey). “Expecting others to do as you would do is setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.”
If a person causes you to feel exactly the same way every time, adjust your expectations appropriately. This way you’ll be psychologically prepared and their behavior will not catch you by surprise. Smart people do this all the time. They’re not always surprised by a dis-likable person’s behavior.
5. They turn inwards and focus on themselves.
No matter what you try, some people can still really get under our skin. It’s important that you learn how to handle your frustration when dealing with someone who annoys you. Instead of thinking about how irritating that person is, focus on why you are reacting the way you are. Sometimes what we don’t like in others is frequently what we don’t like in ourselves. Besides, they didn’t create the button, they’re only pushing it.
Pinpoint the triggers that might be complicating your feelings. You may then be able to anticipate, soften, or even alter your reaction. Remember: it’s easier to change your perceptions, attitude, and behavior than to ask someone to be a different kind of person.
6. They pause and take a deep breath.
Some personality characteristics may always set you off, says Kathleen Bartle (a California-based conflict consultant). Maybe it’s the colleague who regularly misses deadlines, or the guy who tells off-color jokes. Take a look at what sets you off and who’s pushing your buttons. That way, Bartle says, you can prepare for when it happens again.
According to her, “If you can pause and get a grip on your adrenaline pump and go to the intellectual part of your brain, you’ll be better able to have a conversation and to skip over the judgment.” A deep breath and one big step back can also help to calm you down and protect you from overreaction, thereby allowing you to proceed with a slightly more open mind and heart.
7. They voice their own needs.
If certain people constantly tick you off, calmly let them know that their manner of behavior or communication style is a problem for you. Avoid accusatory language and instead try the “When you . . . I feel . . .” formula. For example, Cacaiola advises you to tell that person, “When you cut me off in meetings, I feel like you don’t value my contributions.” Then, take a moment and wait for their response.
You may find that the other person didn’t realize you weren’t finished speaking, or your colleague was so excited about your idea that she enthusiastically jumped into the conversation.
8. They allow space between them.
If all else fails, smart people allow space between themselves and those they don’t like. Excuse yourself and go on your way. If at work, move to another room or sit at the other end of the conference table. With a bit of distance, perspective, and empathy, you may be able to come back and interact both with those people you like and those you don’t like as if unfazed.
Of course, everything would be easier if we could wish people we don’t like away. Too bad we all know that’s not how life works.
Featured photo credit: sachman75 via flickr.com