Category: Psychology Readings.

Not sure if you have claircognizance as an intuitive ability yet?

Claircognizance is the intuitive ability of clear knowing. People that have natural claircognitive abilities are logical, enjoy thinking things out and frequently get ideas that suddenly pop into their head. They can receive answers to questions that they ask internally within their mind, such as when asking, “What was that word . .” and then suddenly, […]

“Why Do We Keep Fighting?!”

Can’t, won’t, and shouldn’t change: 4 guesses about the source of any conflict Pick a fight, any fight – any protracted hassle you’re having with anyone about whatever wherever. Stepping back from the details, you’ll find that you’re torn between three interpretations of what’s causing it: They can’t do what you ask of them: It’s just […]

The Most Reliable Reason to be Nice and Go the Extra Mile – Consolation of Thoroughness

You two broke up, but for months after you can’t stop thinking about what might have been. You’re distracted by regrets, what if’s and if only’s. You decided not to pursue your dream of making it big in your first-choice career, and ever since you’ve been haunted by the thought that you might have quit too […]

How to Know When To Walk Away From A Relationship.

Have you ever noticed that when you break up with someone, your friends and family automatically become super honest about how they felt about your (now former) significant other? They suddenly feel free to take open shots at how she walked, talked, dressed, and lived.

When I was younger, I was dating a girl I really liked, but my friends knew she wasn’t the right one for me. We were going in different directions socially and spiritually, but because my friends knew I really liked her, they felt paralyzed by the unwritten laws of friendship, which prohibited them from voicing their complaints.

I should have walked away from the relationship a year or so before it ended, but I was too blind and apathetic to make the shift. Once things were over between us, all my friends and family began to divulge their raw opinions about her. Their judgments didn’t reveal any new information, but rather drew attention to problems I didn’t have the guts to face during the relationship.

We’ve all been on one end of this conversation or the other. You’ve either been the person giving the raw opinion or receiving it. We’ve said and heard, “Oh, I never thought he was that great of a guy in the first place. I’m glad you guys are over.”

But this begs the question: Where are our friends and family in the middle of our romantic relationships? Why aren’t they speaking up then? The unfortunate reality is that oftentimes, our loved ones are right in front of us, giving signs of caution the whole time — we just aren’t listening.

Don’t see singleness as a bad place to be

If we’re being honest, we don’t recognize the signs of caution because we really don’t want to. When we’re falling in love, we consistently give our significant other the benefit of the doubt. We make excuses for the person we are falling for because we want and need them to be as awesome as we had hoped they would be. If it turns out they’re not, we would be back to square one.

Singleness can feel so burdensome that we’d rather be with someone who is moderately close to our standards than return to lonely Friday nights and Netflix series. So even when signs of caution are staring us in the face, we reason that being with anybody is a lesser evil than being alone. This makes deciding when to walk away from a relationship especially difficult.

The first thing you have to understand is that singleness is not a bad place to be.

Perhaps the greatest gift your love life can receive is an accurate view of singleness. Singleness is not a disease, but rather a season of life designed to help shape you into the best you. It’s an era in which you can try the things you won’t be able to do when you have the responsibility of raising a family. This is the time to compile a bucket list of what you’d like to achieve before marriage.

When I was single, I started two businesses and traveled like crazy. I picked places I wanted to go, friends I wanted to see, and goals I wanted to achieve. It was a time when I could fail a business and it wouldn’t affect an entire family.

Singleness is an opportunity that most people waste on looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right. But it doesn’t have to be merely a stepping-stone on the way to something greater; it could be a decade you devote to dreams and passions. So walking away from a relationship is not the end of the world — instead, it could be the beginning of your destiny.

Let your community be honest with you

Secondly, you have to listen to your community. Your friends and family who witness your relationships will never truthfully tell you how they feel unless you invite them to do so. In fact, it’s the only way people are honest with us about anything.

So if you’re not dating within a community, find one. Have your significant other hang out with your family or friends — and later on, privately ask them to give you honest feedback about your new love interest.

Your mom might not like her. Your dad may love her. Your best friend may think she’s not the one. You want to seek counsel from the people you trust the most — and also have good relational track records themselves.

Rarely will your entire community of trusted advisors be split down the middle in their opinion of a person. Usually, your family and friends will get a resounding feeling when they meet your significant other. Pay attention and heed what they have to say, and you’ll find yourself making the right decision.

However, in order to receive a fair assessment, be careful of how you talk about your significant other. I had a friend in college who once asked me about a girl he was dating. They were having some serious problems at the time and he wanted to hear my perspective. I told him straight up, “I think she has a horrible attitude and treats you like crap.” He responded with a “Wow.”

Moreover, I told him that the reason I felt that way about her was because that’s the picture of her he had painted in my mind. He depicted her as the witch and himself as the prince. Although this was the first time he had asked my opinion, this was not the first time he had told me about her — and he would only tell me about her when they were having problems.

We don’t naturally tell our friends what’s going on in our relationships when things are all sunshine and rainbows because it’s not juicy. “Hey, we went to dinner tonight, held hands, and encouraged each other for an hour. It was great!” — this is not the text you’d normally send to your friends.

However, if you have a fight, then you have something worthy of a phone call. And when we do share news of a fight, we rarely use statements like, “I was totally wrong.” So instead, try to give your family and friends the whole picture. That way, when they do give their perspective of the relationship, it’s not a flawed one.

Don’t stay because you fear being alone

Ultimately, if you want to stay in your relationship because you’re afraid that nothing else better will come along, then you’re simply settling. You have to trust that if you’re making the right decisions for the right reasons, God will bring you exactly whom he’s designed you to be with.

However, a relationship sustained by a fear of not having anyone at all will lead to a very unpleasant marriage and potential divorce. If you have a gut feeling that you’re not supposed to be in that relationship and your community of family and friends are in agreement, take that combination for what it’s worth: a pretty good sign that it’s time to walk away.

 

Author:  Ryan and Amanda Leak

Source: 

You Know It, but You Don’t Want to Admit It: 7 Signs He’s Not The One

If I’m honest, I spent a good chunk of my adult dating life trying to make toxic relationships work. I could see the issues, the inevitable end-date, but I chose to ignore them in an effort to push on and push past the problems. But the truth is, once you spot one of these seven telltale signs he’s not The One for you, there’s only one thing left to do—and that’s pull the plug.

 

not the one

1. You don’t trust him. Whether you caught him in a lie or 10, or your instincts are setting off alarm bells every time he offers a new excuse for why he was late, there’s just something about this guy that breeds distrust deep in your gut. If you can’t trust what he says or does 99 percent of the time—we can make allowances for white lies used to plan surprise birthday parties or whisk you away on romantic weekend getaways—he’s not the guy for you.

2. You spend more time thinking about what’s wrong with him than what you like about him. No guy bats 1,000. Even the right guy will sometimes forget what you tell him, won’t always show his appreciation, and will say the wrong things. But if all you can focus on are this man’s flaws, it’s time to move on to someone whose missteps you’re able to accept.

3. When it comes to the big things, you have opposite opinions. Turning a blind eye to the fact that he’s an atheist while you believe in God, or that you envision a family of four while he desires to go kid-free, isn’t an effective solution for a long-term relationship. Yes, you can overcome small differences—and can even compromise on some larger issues—but there are just some things where a difference in opinion equals a deal-breaker.

4. Sex with him is just OK. Some couples go through temporary sex ruts, but what I’m referring to is a sex life so stunted it could put you to sleep paired with a guy who refuses to address your concerns, listen to your desires, and meet your needs. A guy who’s willing to work on things in and out of the bedroom to bring you pleasure is a keeper; one who cares only for his own orgasms or refuses to change between the sheets is not.

5. He’s super fun to be with—when you’re in the same room. You have a blast when you’re together, but this guy all but forgets your name when you’re apart. He doesn’t make an effort to see you, nor does he communicate while he’s away. A man who’s worth your time will make the time for you in return.

6.  You don’t consider him a friend.

I believe it’s important to have some element of true friendship in a relationship. If you wouldn’t even be friends with the guy you’re seeing, why should you be dating him? There’s gotta be more than just great sexual chemistry. I’m not saying he has to be your best friend; I’m saying, there’s gotta be a basis of some kind of friendship somewhere.

7. He’s emotionally unavailable.

There’s no way around this one. Dating someone who is emotionally unavailable is like dating someone wearing a suit of armor made of mirrors — you try to see in, but all you see is yourself staring sadly back. Trust me on this one, you want someone who can open up to you. Someone who’s not afraid to cry in front of you when things get really rough. Someone who is ready to start a new chapter in their lives with you. If he can’t do those things, he’s not emotionally ready, and your relationship is doomed.

 

What are some other signs he’s not The One? Have you ever experienced one of the signs above?

PHOTOS: COURTESY PHOTO

 

 

8 Ancient Yin-Yang Facts You Never Knew – Thousand Thoughts

Chinese medicine is based upon the observation of nature. The Tao,  the way of nature,is at the heart of Chinese philosophy with the principle of Yin and Yang at the root of the belief. In the symbol of Tao, we see that black and white aspects are in perfect balance.
The fact that the image is a perfect circle really makes absolute sense. The universe runs in circles, creates circles. Our Earth is a sphere, Its orbit of the sun is circular, the galaxy revolves as a circle. The earth rotates on its North-South axis in a circular pattern. Everything spins. “The whole world is just a circle without a beginning, nobody knows where it really ends”.

The yin represents the feminine: negative, contraction, water, dark,  female, earth, tiger, colour orange.

The yang represents the masculine aspects: Positive, expansion, fire, male, heaven, light, dragon, colour azure.

But the interesting thing about the  Yin and Yang symbol, is that in the centre of each part there is a smaller circle, which is in the opposite colour telling that the world is not just a partition of opposites against each other. Within each the Yin and the Yang there exists the seed of the other. This is absolute observation.
When yin becomes thinner, yang becomes stronger. If you look further, you will see there is a white circle in the yang and a black circle in the yin, thus signifying the duality of nature that exists in all forms. The Chinese don’t believe in absolute or ideas: everything is relative,flexible, and ever changing.Within yin, there is yang. within yang there is yin. This is the ever changing phenomenon of all living beings.
Cold is seen as yin in nature, but at the extreme of cold, there is heat- as in dry ice which can burn. Conversely, a fever, which is yang, can cause shivering. This is the balance that the body naturally tries to achieve from moment without our effort or awareness. But in illness, this harmony is disrupted.In Chinese medicine, we try to re-establish balance through lifestyle,changes,diet,herbs and acupuncture.

Yin-Yang Balance

Everything in life has opposites: Yin-Yang.
  • The most common yin-yang imbalance is a stress arousal. Stress arousal increases the adrenaline and cortisol levels which suppress the immune system. Stress is misplaced effort and takes away the energy required for healing.That is why we take rest when we have a fever.
  • Ultradian healing response is the second major yin-yang imbalance. Every 90 to 120 minutes, our mind-body goes through the period of daydream or slowing called ‘Ultradian healing response’. If we artificially keep perked up with coffee,cigarette, or workaholic , we are neglecting our healing cycle. Meditation,daydreaming,healthy snacks, or simple quite time allow us to take advantage of this healing cycle.Physical exercise is the yang side of the rest.

The ancients believed that what nature is composed of, we are composed of. Each human being is a microscopic part of the macrocosm. We have within us the five elements or phases: earth, metal, water,wood, and fire. Each of these elements has a personality and an internal milieu connected with who we are.No aspects of  person functions as an independent, discrete entity. Each physical function is connected to an emotional aspect. Each governs an organ,sensory perception or season. There is an interplay between them that our physical and emotional relationship in balance.

  • We can relate this essence as different concepts those are being used to describe universal eternal energy: Chi, Chakra, Aether, Mana, Magic, Aura, The Force, ext.
  • Though Yin and Yang are different,truly they are not just equal opposites ,but are two of the same.
  • Yin-Yang continuously share each others essence in order to create balance its own positive and negative essences.
  • Our overall universe itself is a yin-yang where everything is connected to this energy as a big system. This system is interconnected by two fundamental forces yin and yang.
  • According to legend, the Chinese emperor Fu Hsi (2852-2738 BCE) said that the best state for everything in the universe is a state of harmony represented by a balance of yin and yang.

Accept your dark side, understanding it will help you to move with the light. Knowing both sides of our souls, helps us all to move forward in life and to understand that, perfection doesn’t exist.” –

  – Martin R. Lemieux

Empowered By Sensitivity: What Type Of Empath Are You?

empath-training-sensitivity

Empowered by sensitivity?  It sounds strange doesn’t it?  Sort of ironic, contradictory, even mutually exclusive.

How can you be empowered by something so soft, subtle and delicate, in a world full of hard, overpowering and loud people?  Indeed, many of us Empaths get trampled, used, thrown around, and taken advantage of.  But we have a secret.

Deep down inside, beyond the veil of our superficial appearances, we harbor something quiet, but powerful.  Our gifts don’t dominate, tyrannize or overthrow people, but that doesn’t detract from their strength, or usefulness.  If anything, our powerful but subtle gifts benefit us more in the long term, allowing us to gather emotional, psychological and physical information from our surroundings that is often inaccessible and undisclosed to the average, unreceptive mind.

While we can’t bully, back-stab or use brute force, we can heal, guide, protect and deeply understand the lives of the people around us.  In essence, we can gather immense amounts of knowledge.  And knowledge, as they say, is power.

If you would like to discover whether you are an Empath, keep reading.  Also, if you would like to discover what type of Empath you are, you will discover the 10 types at the end of this article.

Are You An Empath?

If you are an Empath, you will experience a combination of some or all of the following symptoms:

  • You absorb other people’s emotions like a sponge, carrying them as your own.
  • When someone close to you is physically ill, you can feel this as physical pains in your body.
  • You often suffer from physical or mental fatigue and tiredness.
  • You find Solitude immensely refreshing, and you require it to “recharge”.
  • You often experience many mood swings or emotional states throughout the day.
  • Witnessing violence or cruelty is unbearable to you.
  • You are a very good listener.
  • People often come to you with their problems.
  • Animals and children are attracted to you.
  • You are caring and nurturing by nature.
  • You are hyper-aware of the physical environment, e.g. to smell, taste, sight, touch, hearing, etc.
  • You can’t stand interpersonal conflict.
  • Crowded places are very overwhelming and draining to you.

10 Types Of Empaths

While being an Empath can have its many positives and benefits, it can also weigh us down heavily with confusion, disorientation and anxiety.  That is why it’s important to put a name to what we individually experience to better understand ourselves, and identify others who share the same abilities as us.

For this reason, I have included below a list, and small description, of each type ofEmpath.  By understanding who you are, what gifts you possess and where you stand in life, you will be able to begin the path of Involution.

Claircognizant Empath

This is usually defined by the ability to simply know something needs to be done, or is true or misleading, without having any basis in logic or reason.  Often this type of Empath will just “know” when something is right to do, or not, or when someone is lying or hiding something.

Emotionally Receptive Empath

Most Empaths are emotionally receptive, and can physically and emotionally feel the emotions from other people before they are even expressed.

Physically Receptive Empath

Many Empaths are also physically receptive to other people’s illnesses and bodily pains.  This often manifests itself in the Empath’s own body, and can be an especially useful skill in healing.

Fauna Empath

This type of Empath can hear, feel and interact with animals.

Flora Empath

This type of Empath can communicate with plants, being able to receive physical and emotional signals.

Geomantic Empath

The Geomantic Empath can read the energy and signals transmitted by the earth.  Many are able to feel/predict natural disasters before they occur.

Medium Empath

This type of Empath can either see, hear, feel (or a combination of these elements) spirits, usually from deceased individuals.

Psychometric Empath

This manifests itself as the ability to receive information, energy and impressions from physical objects, e.g. photographs, clothing, jewelry, utensils, etc.

Precognitive Empath

This type of Empath can feel the occurrence of an event or situation before it actually happens.  This is usually manifested in dreams, or as physical/emotional sensations, for instance: dread, anxiety, or excitement.

Telepathic Empath

The ability to accurately read a person’s unexpressed thoughts is the main defining feature of the Telepathic Empath.

***

Being an Empath can be difficult and confusing, but with awareness of your gifts and abilities, you can refine them and use them to guide, heal and protect yourself and the people you love.

My hopes are that the information within this article can continue to make ripples within your life.  Please share with me any stories or experiences you have below.  This will help all of us broaden our knowledge and understanding of what it is to be an Empath!

Source: Loner Wolf

Loners Are Some of the Most Intellectual and Loyal People You’ll Ever Meet

loners can be most intellectual and loyal
Loners Are Some of the Most Intellectual and Loyal People You’ll Ever Meet
In fact, their intelligence makes them capable of being content in solitude. That’s why I grow weary of all the negative talk about those who wish to enjoy time alone, away from the multitude.
 
Being a loner doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. If you think this way, you’re wrong. It’s not my opinion, it’s fact. You didn’t write the alphabet and you didn’t make the rules. There are many ingredients in the soup! Let me sort this out for you. I believe a little snatching up and rearranging is due.
First off, I’m not attacking anyone, I’m standing up for the little man, the one in the dark corner and the one whose been bullied far too long. In fact, I would love to help you get to know the loner, the introvert, the confident and quiet intellectual. Hopefully, you are no longer offended and maybe even a little curious about the loner. First, I need to clear something up.
There are two types of loners
The loner isn’t always an introvert, actually. Sometimes, the loner has a perfect ability to make friends, socialize and even get loads of attention. It’s just that they prefer to be alone. They have friends too! Loners have the ability to make top notch friends because they choose to choose carefully. Their friends are usually in a small group as well. Extroverted loners are picky about their time, selfish even, meaning they love to learn about themselves and continually learn things about life as well. And no, that doesn’t mean they are self-absorbed. I’m not positive because I am a rather introverted loner, but extroverted loners probably don’t have time for small talk either.
Jonathon Cheek, psychologist at Wellesley College, said,
“Some people simply have a low need for affiliation.”
On the flip side, the introverted loner is a little different. They have issues with large crowds of people, it’s not just a choice. Introverts feel safer alone, there is no risk of social awkwardness or rejection. Although they might choose animal friends over human counterparts, as many of us do, introverted loners still care. They are intelligent and find ways to socialize a bit through online communications rather than events or concerts, which can be devastating to their peace of mind.
Some think being an introverted loner is unhealthy. They feel that enforced alone time is close to anxiety. I can understand this personally, as I have endured panic attacks when experiencing the chaotic environment of an amusement park. This is because introverts can be victims of stimulus overload! Introverted loners need more time for meditation and pampering the senses.
Whew!
I hope this helps, both you and me, because there are so many reasons, to be honest, as to why someone would choose more alone time. It could be heredity, the desire for privacy or even the result of not having many friends as a child. And don’t forget, being a loner is not the same as being lonely. I, for one, spent an entire year as a single mom with joint custody. I missed my children when they were away but it was not because I was alone. The weeks that I was by myself, I met myself. I got to know who I was and what I liked about myself. This was invaluable time that I used to learn that I needed no one to tell me who I was or how I should feel. I spent time with me and found some solid foundation on which to stand my ground, as needed. I embraced being a loner.
Loners are some of the most intellectual and loyal people you will ever meet. They can also be dangerous. Why, you ask. Because they already know what they are capable of and they no longer have to pretend. Knowledge, to the loner, is not intimidating. It is simply another opportunity to realize the strength of solitude.
Never look down on the loner. And loners, never look down on the social butterflies either.
It’s better if we work together and appreciate our differences. That’s where true intelligence and loyalty lie.
Author: Sherrie is a freelance writer and artist with over 10 years of experience. She spends most of her time giving life to the renegade thoughts. As the words erupt and form new life, she knows that she is yet again free from the nagging persistence of her muse. She is a mother of three and a lifetime fan of the thought-provoking and questionable aspects of the universe.

I Was In A Dom/Sub Relationship And It Was A F*cking DISASTER

[caption id="attachment_2007" align="alignnone" width="824"]Credit: WEHEARIT Credit: WEHEARIT[/caption]

He instructed me to strip, to crawl on the floor and fellate him.

I texted him as soon as I woke up.

“What do you want me to wear today?”

I brushed my teeth and washed my face while I waited for him to text me back.

“White button-down shirt. Tuck it in. Your jeans. Flats. Put your hair in a ponytail. Send me a photo.”

I dressed as instructed, then stood before the wall-length mirror in my apartment’s hallway. Smiling into the mirror, I snapped a photo on my iPhone and sent it to Ben*.

Thirty seconds later, a text message: “Very nice.” Then I knew I could leave for work.

Ben wasn’t abusive. I wasn’t being hurt, nor was I unhappy. We were in a dominant/submissive relationship — or playing at one, anyway — and following his orders got me unbelievably turned on.

Ben cheated on his girlfriend, Rachel, with me; he lied about going on a break with her for me. I was so upset when I found out he lied that I emailed her and told her he’d been cheating. But I haven’t been totally forthcoming about the nature of our relationship. Ben and I weren’t just friends who became attracted to each other; we were both extremely interested in exploring sexual roles as a dom (him) and a sub (me).

Ben cheated on his girlfriend with me, I can now clearly see, because he has strong, natural impulses to dominate a woman in bed. And his girlfriend, Rachel, wouldn’t let him. When we were just close friends, Ben would gripe to me about how he and Rachel rarely had sex.

As time passed, Ben and I talked frequently over IM or over the phone, and flirted with each other more and more. It’s not exactly a secret that I have a fetish about being spanked and at some point — clearly crossing the line of what was appropriate for a guy with a girlfriend and his cute single friend to be discussing — Ben told me he loved spanking women.

He loved it. He loved all types of light, sexual domination play — tying women up, using his paddle, hair-pulling — and Rachel wasn’t into any of that. And when it came to outside-of-bed stuff, Ben described Rachel as resisting his natural inclination toward leadership.

She didn’t particularly like him being protective toward her and he said they bickered constantly. So you can see why I saw an “in” here.

I should be clear, though: Ben wasn’t the first guy I’d come across who professed a liking for domination play. My first serious high school boyfriend was actually the one who flipped the pervert switch, making me realize that getting spanked turned me on. My boyfriends freshman and sophomore year of college both spanked me. And this other guy I dated in college actually took me to a “spanking club” in New York City where he rented a paddle and spanked me in public.

Then I dated Jason* after college and, through my relationship with him, I learned that it wasn’t just spanking that turned me on — it was dominance.

Jason was over six-feet-tall, with a strong and sturdily built. He had a naturally dominant personality. He could be fearless and decisive. He could be a leader. He could be stern and take charge when he needed to. He was protective. And he spanked me and dominated me in bed all the time, of course. But outside of bed, which was starting to feel like catnip in this new, weird way, I always felt “safe” with him because of the way he took charge.

It didn’t work out with Jason for other reasons, but he left me with 100 questions: I’m a feminist. Why do I like this so much? Isn’t this wrong? How can I be a good feminist and still like a man taking charge outside the bedroom?

It was 2006 around this time, so of course I spent a lot of time on Google looking for the answers. By searching terms like “spanking” and “domination,” I discovered many women online who wrote blogs sharing the same desires I held. They had college degrees, jobs, made their own money, but they were sexually attracted to men who dominated them both inside the bedroom and outside.

(Some of these women are what’s called “domestic discipline” arrangements, which have a lot of Christian influences and would take a long time to explain.) I studied these women for over a year and published an article called “Slap Happy” in the feminist/pop culture magazine Bitchabout them. (“Slap Happy” cannot be found online, but writer Amanda Marcotte at the feminist blog Pandagon wrote about it. And my article was included on the syllabus for a Rutgers University Human Sexuality class.)

I can’t explain to you how all-consumingly liberating it felt to know it wasn’t just me who wanted this. This is something hundreds of other women and men love, I thought. This is a part of me and my sexuality that I can be honest about.

I was pretty sure I didn’t want to be dominated by a man all the time like these women; though the idea of domination “play” some of the time, like Jason and I had engaged in, aroused me more than I had ever felt before.

Back to Ben: when he revealed to me that he got off from being dominant, I felt like I’d found the golden ticket. We not only shared the same kink but the same intensity for it. Ben wanted dominance and submission “play,” but all the time? Seriously? Where had he been all my life?

But because Ben was still dating Rachel, we didn’t do anything about this for a long time. We flirted for months and months, occasionally talking about our mutual love of spanking and domination, but in the one very intense month after he said he wanted to break up with Rachel to be with me, domination and submission “play” consumed us. First musing about it. Then doing it over IM, email, phone and text message.

Much of the non-sexual domination “play” with Ben was just a shift of our regular friendship: We’d talk about the stuff we’d usually talk about, but he would take a more dominant role, sternly issuing instructions. For example, I had a co-worker who was experiencing some difficulties, and being the naturally hyper-anxious person that I am I’d fret all the time about the fate of her job.

“Don’t worry about her; it’s not your responsibility. Worry about yourself,” he would say. And I would follow his instructions.

But there was the more obvious domination “play” component: As part of our “play,” I would ask him permission to do lots of things. I told him about all the kinds of bras and panties in my drawers, and each morning he’d tell me which ones to wear, which I would send him in a photo.

I would ask him how to dress each morning. I would ask him if I could watch a movie or if I had to work on writing a freelance article more. If I “disobeyed” him during this sexy-talk “play,” he would tell me over the phone or over IM how he would “punish” me.

But it was the sexual domination that was most amazing to me. Even though we physically had not been intimate with each other yet because of his girlfriend, we had phone sex with each other frequently where he’d verbally explain to me how he was going to spank me.

And much of our IM chats and emails were dirty talk about future spanking “punishments” to come: He would promise I’d be spanked 10 times for this or that infraction. He’d also tell me whether he was going to spank me with his hands or with his paddle. And, of course, we would talk dirty at length about having intercourse. Through all of this, he wanted me to call him “sir.”

Basically, Ben was one kinky motherf*cker.

For the first few weeks, I was horny constantly. And I mean constantly. Never before in my life have I experienced such weeks-long periods of horniness. One weekend, I couldn’t handle the horniness anymore and slept with two different guys and made out with a third. And trust me, I’d never done that before. I really felt like my sexuality had awakened and been released, roaring from the gate.

All the buildup actually raised my expectations too much, because the one and only time Ben and I were physically intimate with each other, it was a bit of a disappointment. Oh yes, he was sexually dominant: He instructed me to strip, to crawl on the floor and fellate him, and he spanked me with the paddle he kept in his closet.

But something about him seemed skittish, like he wasn’t giving 100 percent. I remember thinking, Where’s the guy who is a marvelous dirty-talker? The deflation could have been because Ben was cheating on Rachel with me; however, I got the sense that Ben liked talking about dom/sub more than actually doing it.

I never got to that find out: A week or so later, everything with Ben crashed and burned. It was messy, it was bad, and it was a horrible time in my life. (It’s not necessarily worth repeating and if you must, you can read about it here.)

My spectacular crash-and-burn at a dom/sub relationship, even though it was messy, was educational in ways I never could have imagined. I now see that what Ben and I had wasn’t aromance and we had no foundation to sustain a relationship beyond sex. That was just a disaster waiting to happen.

But I also realize now that Ben and I didn’t know what we were doing and we didn’t have the foundation of trust that a dom/sub relationship needs. Not “should have,” but “needs.” With no exceptions.

I gave Ben trust that he had not earned yet. When he would instruct me to stop worrying about my co-worker, I would listen, but really Ben had done nothing to prove he was worthy of this trust. In fact, if anything, he was negatively trustworthy for not having ended his relationship with Rachel yet. It was my fault for trusting a man who wasn’t trustworthy and I take full responsibility for that.

I also learned that when it comes to sex, sometimes people like talking about stuff more than they like doing it. They think they want it. They say they want it. But — and this is where needing to be able to trust someone’s word comes in — they’re afraid to fully experience what all their sexual impulses are telling them.

Maybe it’s because it’s scary to them. Maybe it’s because it’s so taboo. I don’t really know; I just know that Ben turned out to be that person while I was not.

I’m glad I have nothing whatsoever to do with Ben anymore, but I’m kind of bummed my first foray into a dom/sub relationship didn’t work out. I really would have loved it. Now, I’m in a loving, committed relationship with the man I’m going to marry and we have a happy sex life, but he doesn’t share the same desire for dom/sub “play” that I have.

But these days, given how I had such a negative experience with domination the first time, I’m not eager to repeat it.

Written by Jessica Wakeman.

Source: Yourtango