Rapport is important in life. If I had only one interpersonal skill in an otherwise dull, boring personality, that skill would be rapport. No question about it. Rapport is that feeling you get when you look at someone and instantly think “I will get on well with this person.” Rapport is what bonds us. Rapport (pronounced “ra-Pore”) is often a difficult concept to grasp. If you want an example of rapport, look at this man’s face:
It’s the movie star Jackie Chan, sure, but ignore that for a second. Pretend you’ve never seen him before. Go on, stare at his face for ten seconds. What do you think he’s like, as a person? Do you think you’d get on with him? Try to guess, from looking at his face, if he’s a nice guy.
Chances are, you will think he’s a nice guy. Very approachable. Look at his head, how he carries it in a humble, slightly-downward angle,
yet the slight tilt shows warmth and kindness. His smile is mostly with his eyes, and he shows his teeth which tells us he’s genuine.
These, so subtle mannerisms help make up the concept of rapport, which can be your most powerful, formidable weapon.
Why? It doesn’t make a stranger think they like you – no. It makes a stranger actually like you. When people like you, they want to help you, give you business, introduce you to friends, spend more time with you, buy you lovely extravagant hats, and cook you delicious dinners.
So what’s happening in the brain when rapport occurs? When we see a nice smiling face, many things occur:
1. First the occipital lobes process the light that comes in into a recognisable picture that our brain can
understand. It then sends this picture to the thalamus.
2. The thalamus takes the picture and shoots it over to the frontal lobes where we become conscious
of the image. However, it also sends the information to many other places, such as the basal ganglia.
3. The basal ganglia interprets the face and makes unconscious “tags” – for example, the teeth being
shown in the smile is “tagged” as a boosted emotion. At the same time, the rising of various facial
muscles are each tagged as pleasure, happiness, enjoyment, and so on. This information is shot back
into the thalamus which (among other things) compares the information with some of that stored in
the rest of the limbic system.
4. The limbic system, hard at work, constructs these various tags into a mixture of various emotions, in
this case, pleasure.
5. The amygdala generates a mild sympathetic emotion of pleasure. If it wasn’t for this function of
being able to “feel other people’s feelings”, we would be unable to truly tell how other people were
In essence, when a person who we perceive to be “happy to see us” approaches, our unconscious mind generates a genuine “happy to see them” feeling. Quite often, however, our super-awesome frontal lobes decide not to show it back. Thus the cycle ends. It feels good to us but the person has no feedback. If we do show the feedback of being happy to see someone, it builds up and they get the feeling of “happy to see us”. This creates a genuine upward spiral of pleasure, until one of us decides to stop showing it. This mutual pleasure is the essence of rapport.
What Factors Help Me Build Rapport?
Rapport isn’t just about your facial expression – although that is clearly important. It seems a bit mechanical to build a list of factors that contribute to rapport, but I’ve never let that stop me before, so here it is.
With some practice, you can set these factors on “rapport mode”, if that makes sense? In my mind, I like to set my face to “rapport” to create what I call Rapport Facial Expression. You can do this with all the factors outlined below.
Rapport Facial Expression
Facial expression should be non-threatening, and certainly not dominant or smug. Confidence should be shown, but there should be no hint of judgement. In your mind you should say “I’m pleased to be here, I’m pleased to meet you and everyone, I accept you all for who you are.” This should unconsciously reflect in your facial expression. Smile genuinely at people when they approach; you should be genuinely pleased to see them.Take a look at the two faces below.
Both men are wearing suits, smiling. They are both facing slightly
to our right, and both smiling with their eyes. Yet one is giving off
vastly different rapport facial signals than the other. If you were to
meet these men for the first time, which one would you get along with better?
Clothing should not be too tight or show-offish. For maximum rapport, don’t wear muscle tops, revealing
dresses, or anything to “peacock” in a dominant manner. (Peacocking means drawing attention to
yourself with wild accessories.)
If you do want to peacock, wear something humourous or odd, such as a bright red shirt and an unusual
hat. If you’re dead-set on showing off your body, then do so in the most subtle possible. The key
is to look non-threatening.
Your stance should be alert and confident, with open gestures. Avoid putting your hands on your hips
or folding your arms. Do not press your knees or feet together, as this is a defensive posture.
Be willing to shake hands with everyone you meet. If you have sweaty hands, hold a napkin or spare
shirt in your right hand – no-one will question it. When it comes time to shake hands, swap the absorbent
item into your left hand and your right hand should still be dry by the time you shake hands.
You can tell a lot about someone just from watching their posture. Here are five examples of posture:
The legs are identical – all that changes is the position of the arms, shoulders and angle of the head.
Can you tell which picture matches which description?
1. Ashamed, shy, not confident
2. Alert, confident, perhaps even aggressively so
3. Neutral, non-threatening
4. Disappointed, bored, uninterested
5. Defensive, threatening, challenging
Building rapport through communication is where it gets very complicated. Given that there are millions
of different things you can say, mixed with millions of subtly different gestures and voice tones,
you have almost countless options on how to communicate verbally. And because each situation is
different, there is no one “right thing to say” that is always right across the board.
Good communication is built through experience, and is based on all the same rapport-building principles
we’ve looked at so far. Being warm, open, friendly and non-judgmental in your speech will all
help build rapport with someone. You’ll also need to adjust your communication based on the other
person’s mood, sense of humour, sense of urgency and level of comfort, among many other things.
For a quick reading of their mental state, focus on the three factors as listed above: facial expression,
clothing and stance.
The Article was Originally Posted on NLP Secrets.
Behaviors that we engage in routinely and repeatedly are habits. Without these behaviors, life will be hard to function. We become efficient in performing complex tasks because we learned them; now they are internalized by us and we do them without thinking. For example, talking, playing an instrument, speaking, typing are skills that are now ingrained in our system. Our brain does not have to think and we are capable of performing these routine tasks without conscious efforts. Therefore habits are very useful for us but there are habits that we have formed which are not so productive and are considered bad. For example, scratching, nail biting, facial twitches, tapping, and shaking feet. These habits can be very annoying and unpleasant for others in social situations.
Habits like nagging, criticizing, attention seeking, manipulation can also be considered annoying; we engage in these activities without making any conscious effort.
However, they can backfire on us. It is important to break these bad habits for better interpersonal connections and social etiquettes.
Habits are learned behaviors so they can be unlearned with extreme dedication, persistence, and awareness. The more we engage in our habits the more they become entrenched and reinforced in our system. However, every time you try to do something different from your habits, they tend to weaken them and the new alternative behavior gradually becomes strengthened with repeated use. Habit breaking involves step by step approach.
There are six steps to breaking habit according to Drs. Gilian Butler and Tony Hope.
1. Decide to Change
2. Use of awareness training
3. Devise strategies to help in stopping the habit
4. Replace the habit with an alternative behavior.
5. Persist by being consistent and keeping track of progress.
6. Learn to manage lapses.
Step 1. Decide to Change:
First and foremost thing about breaking habit is to make a determination that you want to part with the habit and you are most determined to break it. When you think about the disadvantages of the habit, you will be more inclined to do something about it. Also, it is equally important to think about the benefits that you will get, once you break the habit. Imagine the worst possible consequences of going on with your habit and this will motivate you to do something about it. You can nip your habit in the bud by this first step. Some people develop a bad habit of checking things to the point that it becomes obsessional and interferes with normal day to day functioning. Once you become aware of why you want to change this habit, it becomes clear and easy to break it.
Step 2. Use awareness Training:
In order to stop your habit, you need to first be aware that you have a bad habit then only you can stop it. It is also important to understand the detailed description of your habit. For example if you bite nails, you might need to ask, under what circumstances you do it, which finger nail do you usually bite, how does it feel inside when you engage in this type of behavior and so on. You will also need to monitor your habit and get to know the frequency and circumstances when you usually engage in these behaviors. For example, if you pull your hair, do you do it at work, or at home and also know what is going on with you when you do this.
Study your habit record carefully week after week. You will be able to see an emerging pattern and will be able to find out the antecedents of the habit. What triggers your habit? Do you criticize others when you feel attacked? These are environmental triggers that provoke you and make you do these behaviors. Pretty soon they become habits and you don’t even make conscious effort; they happen automatically. Sometimes self monitoring itself reduces the frequency of your habit because you are more aware of it now.
Step 3. Devise Strategies for stopping the habit.
Be on the guard when you are most likely to engage in the bad habit so that you can catch it before it starts. Then try to develop a STOP strategy. When you catch yourself doing a bad habit, stop doing it right away by saying the command of ,”STOP” to yourself. It might be helpful to write the STOP on an index card with colored letters and read this card to stop yourself from hair pulling, nail biting or whatever bad habit you are trying to break. It might be a good idea to seek support from someone else who can observe you and give you the right feedback about your habit breaking intervention. Continue to monitor your habit sheet and reward yourself for success.
IF you feel that your habit is getting worse, do not get discouraged. It is possible that you might see more frequency of your bad habit in the initial stages. It is because you are trying to keep track of something you were doing automatically or it could be because it could trigger more anxiety and tension and the frequency is increased because of the anxiety and tension. This stage does not last too long so do not give up.
Bear with yourself and remain persistent.
Step 4: Replace the Habit with an Alternative Behavior.
When a habit involves the use of a hand, try to occupy the same hand in an alternative activity so that it is incompatible with your habit of hair pulling or nail biting. Playing with a toy or play doh can help or clenching your fist for a couple of minutes, putting on gloves or using a comb can stop the hair pulling habit. These are annoying habits and also very unpleasant in sight, so it is important to make an effort to break them. Additionally, using a hand cream or manicure set can be used to address the nail biting habit.
Sometimes people rub their eyes until they become sore and infected. It might be helpful to wear eye make up so that you will be afraid to touch the eyes for the fear of smearing your make up. It is also a good idea to assess what kinds of feelings generally prompt you to engage in your bad habits. If you know it is tension, anxiety, worry or boredom, then try to do something about it. If you are untidy, then developing good organization skills will help you find things when you need them. If you have a bad habit of interrupting others, then develop good listening skills.
Step 5. Persist on Being Consistent and Keeping Track of Progress.
Consistency and persistence are the two most important steps for habit breaking intervention. If you work hard the first week but then begin to slack, it will not help you reach your goals. You need to be constantly on the go and monitor it in order to weaken the habit. You might experience feelings of let downs and an urge to give up but this will not help you. Make sure you reward yourself for all your efforts and keep thinking of the advantages of breaking the habit. Keep your habit record and become fully aware of the moments when you catch yourself “in the act”.
Step 6: Learn to Manage Lapses
Habits have a tendency to recur until they are fully broken. Since they are automatic, they tend to re emerge. Therefore you will need to make a strong effort to break them fully to avoid this recurrence. If the lapse occurs, try to find out why it occurred and continue to make your efforts to break the habit. The more you try, the better the chances of your habit to disappear. You might want to say, I have dealt with this before and I can do it again. Do not treat this as a relapse. This is just a lapse and you can always pick up the pieces and move on again.
In this way, we see that these six steps will help you break the habit and you will have a better chance to avoid social embarrassment, reduce your anxiety and tension, and live a normal life. Habits can become very addictive and may lead to smoking, drinking and drug abuse. If you do not take care of yourself, you will be living with your bad habits for the rest of your lives. It is important to keep the awareness of your bad habits like obsessional thinking, repetitive mannerisms, twitching, facial grimaces, nail biting, tapping, frowning and many other mannerisms that you automatically do. Some of these are caused by internal tension, cumulative stress, depression, unresolved conflict, repressed feelings of anger, passivity, timidity, and bereavement too.
The good news is that you can address them by following the six easy steps mentioned above. If you are experiencing some of the feelings mentioned earlier, it might be a good idea to seek professional help and address those unresolved feelings. Cognitive behavioral therapy is also an alternative and engaging in mindful meditation can also help relieve the tension and anxiety. Mindfulness therapy is becoming very popular and it is really effective in addressing anxiety and depression which often give rise to these bad habits. Progressive muscle relaxation is also a good technique to feel relaxed. Visualization with guided imagery also helps reduce tension and anxiety
Source: Managing Your Mind by Gillian Butler, PH.D, and Tony Hope, M.D.
Even with the best intentions, many of us believe that our emotions are out of our control, that they happen spontaneously, and that we handle them in a multitude of ways. But in fact, there are four basic ways in which people deal with emotion. Do you recognize any of these? Once you identify your primary strategy for dealing with emotions, you can shift to an approach that truly works for you.
The first defense against negative emotions is avoidance. We all want to avoid difficult or painful emotions. As a result, we tend to avoid any situation that could lead to the emotions we fear, or worse, try not to feel any emotions at all. While avoiding negative situations may protect us in the short term, it also keeps us from feeling the very emotions — connection, energy, excitement — that we desire most.
The second defense against stress is outright denial. When you experience an emotion and try to deny what you’re feeling, your emotions will simply intensify. The pressure will build and what you are trying to ignore will resurface – potentially at an inconvenient time.
The worst addiction facing people today is not drugs, it’s not alcohol, it’s problems. Often, after moving past avoidance and denial, we decide to stop fighting our painful emotions and decide to fully indulge in them. Rather than learn what our feelings are trying to tell us, we get our fix of significance by making our problem worse that everyone else’s. It becomes a “badge of courage,” and we begin to compete with others, saying, “You think you’ve got it bad? Let me tell you how bad I’ve got it!” Do yourself a favor and get your need for significance met for doing something positive rather than for your problems.
Learning and Using
Truth: Problems are gifts. Our biggest problem is we think we shouldn’t have problems. Albert Einstein put it this way, “Crisis is the greatest blessing for people and nations, because crisis brings on progress…He who blames his own failures and difficulties to crisis, rapes his own talent and gives more importance to problems than to solutions.” Leaders use their pain. Find a way to use stress and pain to serve you.
Adapted from- Team Tony.
Most Of the time people Give up just because they fail to resolve their own Internal Conflicts..
Once you manage to overcome your Internal Conflicts, you will be able to take Instant Decision.. On your Own!!!
This pattern helps with the very common problem of disagreement between parts.
When you struggle with yourself to do or not do something, when you procrastinate
what you must do now and seem to be arguing with yourself in your mind, this is the pattern to use.
Follow these simple steps to Fight the problem of Internal Conflicts…
Step 1. The Conflict
Select a personal conflict. This can be anything, “Shall I listen to what they say”? or “Should I ignore them” ? It may be something you’ve contradictory feelings about, or some way that you sabotage yourself or cannot accept yourself. Reason can be anything, just take that situation.
Step 2. A Memory
Recall a memory of experiencing this inner conflict. When did you felt it?? View it from the observer position. Analyse it, Observe it.
Step 3. Take a Side
Get into the first perceptual position with one side of the conflict. Step into the experience. Review the OTHER side of the conflict from this position. Notice what comes up during this in all sense modes.
Step 4. Positive Intention
Still on that side, ask the other side to express all of its positive intentions, including any beliefs ( set by your o others for you ) and goals that it can express to your side.
Step 5. Switch
Now step into the other part. From this position, repeat steps three and four.
Repeat this switching and receiving until both sides have a good understanding of each other. Be sure to include beliefs ( including limiting beliefs ), values, and objectives.
Step 7. Meta-Position (Above usual)
Move to a meta-position above both parts. From there, ask the parts to propose solutions or outcomes that they expect to be satisfactory to both sides. Draw out concerns from either side about these ideas, and note any ecological issues. Do as much brain-storming as you need to in order to come up with a good collection of ideas.
Step 8. New Part
Notice how this new collection of ideas is an amalgam of the values and higher intentions of the two parts. It is also an agenda. Experience how it could be considered a part all on its own. Bring this part into your body and accept it as an important part.
Step 9. Future Pace and Test
Imagine a future with this part creating results for you. Redo this process as needed for any ecological concerns or problems. Test it out in real life and come back to this process as needed.
Practice it a few times to get results you always wanted.
Feel free to share this with people you know, so that they can get some benefit as well. !!
“If you can change your mind, you can change your life.
What you believe creates the actual fact.
The greatest revolution of my generation is to discover that
Individuals, by changing their inner attitudes of mind, can change
the outer aspects of their lives.”
– William James
Transform self-sabotage into success. By discovering the positive intent behind a negative behavior or attitude,
you can release tremendous energy and positive commitment. In his outstanding book Sleight Of Mouth:
The Magic Of Conversational Belief Change, master trainer and famous NLP developer Robert Dilts says:
“At some level all behavior is (or at one time was) “positively intended.” It is or was perceived as appropriate given the context in which it was established, from the point of view of the person whose behavior it is. It is easier and more productive to respond to the intention rather than the expression of a problematic behavior. “
Here are the steps to Find Positive Intentions in the whatever you do…
Step #1. Define the problem.
Briefly state the problem with enough detail so that it is clear in your mind. Mind must be clear about what
the exact problem is. It may primarily be a situation, personal problem, or a challenge. Define what meaning you
give to an Unproductive Behavior. Be clear about what behavior is productive. State the reason for the meaning you gave,
why any particular behavior is unproductive as per you. You must be clear about it, with no confusions.
Step #2. Reveal the Underlying Motives
Take a few minutes to relax, breathe deeply and lay back. Now, go inside, imagine your mind has special internal messengers.”
These are parts of your personality, which have characteristic tendencies or habitual behaviors.
Find the part that is responsible for generating the unproductive behavior.
Bring this part into awareness as though it were a complete personality.
Remember that a part is an aspect of you.
A part is like a little personality inside of you. In order to be aligned and successful,
you must not work at cross purposes with yourself. This requires negotiating or working with your parts.
Now imagine that you can do a role playing game with this particular part. Ask the part what it
wanted to have, do or become, through the negative behavior or attitude. What value or benefit it
expects to get from this. Ask directly, “What did you wish for me to accomplish by doing this?”
Take as much time as you need to imagine and listen to the part’s responses.
Step #3. Get to the core motives.
Keep asking “why” and “what” questions to clarify the motives. Recycle each answer into a new question.
Practice questioning until you feel that you have gotten to the core motives. You should identify a
core belief along with the core value and core reasons for the behaviors or attitudes that, at first glance,
seem to be unsupportive of you.
It’s time to take care of you. Live your dream. Do what you know and not what you feel. Listen to what your heart says, listen to what you always asked for. You deserve to live too! You have needs too!
Give yourself a mental break and take time to get centered, grounded and reconnected with your spirit. Allowing your time to be wasted with people who are not serious is not fruitful and it’s stressful. Be with the ones who Inspires you instead of those who stops you.
Staying in a job where you are not appreciated or valued or validated is draining and toxic. They don’t deserve you. Hanging on to a relationship that has been dead a long time ago takes a toll. Finish it off now, take a stand !!! Take a deep breath and tap into the courage to make the tough decision.
Things might be difficult for a while, but don’t underestimate yourself. You are Blessed with huge Potentials. Have Faith in The Almighty and Trust Self. Follow your Intuition, everything is already there for you. All you need do is to trust them have faith in it and open your divine heart to receive it. Intuitions will show you ways to get your desires manifested and believe me these will lead you on the right path if you have faith in your inner self. With this you will experience greatest transformation within yourself.
The Swish is an NLP technique for dealing with unpleasant feelings.
This is a valuable technique for managing negative thoughts and feelings about:
- The past: e.g. feelings from embarrassing or irritating memories
- The present: e.g. feelings provoked by self-undermining thoughts
- The future: e.g. anxiety-provoking thoughts about forthcoming situations.
Credits for the creation of this NLP pattern belong to Richard Bandler and John Grinder. This helps to Break an automatic thought or behavior pattern, and replace it with a resourceful one. Use the Swish pattern for problems such as smoking cessation, anger management, public speaking, nervousness, self-confidence, and self-esteem. The Swish is an NLP technique for dealing with unpleasant feelings. With the help of this amazing technique one can get free from any bad habit, he wants to leave. This Transforms your Negativity into Positivity as you will now be able to replace the Negative thoughts into Positive Ones and All your Limiting Beliefs will now be Destroyed with consistent Practice.
Following Steps will help you to Understand the Working of this Powerful Technique.
Step 1. Recognize the automatic reaction
Recognize the automatic reaction , the thoughts, feelings, or images that occur to you when you think of the challenging situation.
Select a replacement image, something inspiring, such as a really good outcome that helps create a positive state.
Imagine yourself in a dissociated image, the third perceptual position, as if you are watching yourself in a movie.
Enhance the qualities, such as submodalities of the scene until it is as compelling as possible.
*Submodalities refers to the subjective structural subdivisions within a given representational system.
Step 2. Determine the trigger of the negative image
Discover what tells your mind to produce the negative image or behavior.This is the very crucial stage of self analysis and you must be Very Honest to yourself.
Ask yourself, “What occurs just before this negative or unwanted state begins?” This time, you want an associated scene (first position, looking through your own eyes) of what is going on immediately before you engage in the unwanted activity.
Remember to think in terms of sub-modalities to get a detailed sense of the scene. It functions as a trigger for the non-resourceful state.
Step 3. Place the replacement
Put the replacement off in the corner of the negative image. For Example you want to replace the Feeling of Failure with the one of Learning from the event that has happened. Imagine a small, postage-stamp-sized version of your replacement scene in the bottom corner of the negative scene.
Step 4. Swish the two images
You will be making both images change simultaneously and with increasing speed. The bad feeling getting smaller and smaller with an increase in size of the picture of something positive you want to replace it with. When you Swish, have the negative scene become smaller and shoot off into the distance. At the same time, have the positive replacement image zip in closer and larger, rapidly and completely replacing the negative scene.
Imagine it making a strong sound (a sound that you can easily associate with) as it zips into place.
At first, you’ll probably do this slowly, taking a few seconds to complete the Swish.
As you repeat the process, you will be able to do it faster and faster, until you Swish nearly instantaneously.
Step 5. Repeat
Clear your mind after each Swish. This is very important. Do this by thinking of something else, such as your favorite color or what you need to do later. Remember to breathe easily during the Swish and the breaks. Do the Swish five to seven times, repeating steps three to five each time.
You know you have a good outcome when you have some difficulty maintaining the negative image.
Step 6. Test
Now try to use the limiting thought or behavior again. Notice how hard, if not impossible, it is for you to act it out. Notice that you actually have to think about how to do it first; it is not as automatic as it used to be. If you feel that you could relapse, use the Swish again in a day or two, and again after a week.
You Need To Practice on a Regular Basis So that you can have a Grip over It.
Find It Useful? Share with your Social Networks.
Music, movies, friends and fairy tales teach us how to love but they don’t teach us what not to do and where it can go wrong. Will you accept any suggestion without asking a single question about it? Don’t you argue to a statement said by a friend or a teacher or anyone who you think is trying to advice you?
Then how can you accept such lessons without questioning , this can be dangerous to the health of your relationships. Here are five myths that can kill any love relationship.
You’ll be wise to avoid them.
- Love is enough.
- There is nothing to learn.
- If you love me, you’ll _______.
- My mate will change.
- I’ll do my half.
- Love is enough.
This is a lie. Love alone is not enough to hold you together. There must be communication, a sense of togetherness and understanding each other is an important part of any relationship. Life brings with it challenges. There comes a point when you now have to find out how to share the same house, the same room, the same bed, and the same money you have.
This will be no longer a dating scene as it used to be, you now have new friends, relatives, and strangers to deal with. Those charming things you like about each other are now with you all the time. Closeness brings intimacy but it also brings a need to change and adapt. Change is difficult. You can tolerate so much of change that won’t affect you.
In fact, studies show that living together before marriage is an indicator for a higher chance of divorce. Even though you can’t avoid problems, you can prevent their damage. What you can do is to create a safe environment at home where you can talk with each other, get some time to communicate with each other. When you can talk without fear of criticism, anger, or any other lack of support, you can talk about anything. Problems can only be solved when you can talk as true partners, without any fear of one denying other.
- There is nothing to learn
Since love is not enough and you were probably not taught neither you were keen to learn how to communicate and solve problems, it’s time to learn. Even couples who have come from the best of homes probably never saw their parents solve problems. What they often get to see is a conflict in place every third day and then none of them talking to one another till the weekend. Parents rarely are able to teach their children the skills for handling difficult times and the skills for keeping love alive.
As your relation celebrates more days adding into it making it closer to one more anniversary, romance takes a backseat. Romance often get reduced gradually with the time, there can be many reasons for the same. As you grow through life, you will change. Your partner will change. Your relationship will change. If you stay open to accepting change, you can grow from it rather than resisting it.
Learning who you are and who your partner is can be a wonderful experience. Just remember that it doesn’t stop when you think you have learned everything from the past. You have the present and the future to look forward to.
- If you love me, you’ll _______.
Fill in the blank with what comes to mind.
Some popular ones are: …you’ll change, know what I need, do what I want, give in, and just trust me. This statement makes love conditional upon the other person doing what you ask as a proof of their love. Such expectation of conditional love is dangerous. There is a dark translation to this type of expectation. What you are saying, in effect is, “I don’t trust your love so you better prove it to me now.”, or “I don’t care enough about you to consider your feelings, wants, and needs. What I want is more important.”
This type of statement can be a warning sign. Demand and conditional love usually say more about the person making the statement than about the recipient. It speaks to an unreasonable expectation that may be motivated by a lack of care about the partner or by a personal lack of self-esteem. Expectations of “knowing what I need” demand that your partner have the ability to mind read. I noticed it many times that your girl will not ask for what she need, thinking as if you know her demands. You are in a relationship doesn’t mean that you know everything about your partner. You are not a mind reader I believe!!! They must tell what they need and what they don’t.
The only way your partner can know what you need, want, feel, or think is your telling them. Good communication is a powerful tool for understanding. On the other hand, it is not unreasonable to have expectations of your partner in the relationship. How you voice them is important.
- My mate will change.
Yes, they will and you have no control. The people who expect there mate to change in the way they want are the ones who gets disappointed. The only person you can ever change is yourself. This can be a relationship killing expectation, as no one changes for anybody and no one actually should change for any person except himself/herself. In many cases, they expect there partner to change for example If he is a foodie and you cannot expect him to be on diet as soon as he marries you !!!
Such demands are unreasonable, unwelcome, and unlikely to succeed.
People change because they want to not because you want them to. And all people change and grow as they age. But people rarely change for the better when they are under pressure from someone else…even a loved one.
The strongest relationships are founded on the commitment of two strong individuals who bring themselves to the relationship. It means compromise, growth and change but it does not mean giving in to the unreasonable demands of another. The article, Change and Grow has some further insights on this subject.
- I’ll do my half.
It’s about compromising several times; you compromise because you love your partner. There is no such thing as a truly successful long term marriage where each partner gives only their half (50%). The only truth is that our expectations for a fairy tale marriage lead us down the road to disappointment, disillusionment, and divorce.
“I’ve had it. You’re selfish. If you really loved me, you’d understand what I need. I’ve been giving and giving and I get nothing in return. You don’t give me what I want anymore. Maybe we should get divorced.” This conversation or others like it is held are more common in relationships these days. Being in a relationship is not that easy and magical as they show us on television or movies. It takes lot of efforts; it’s about keeping aside your ego. Sometimes you have to fight with your own-self. Relationships can provide you immense pleasure and strength but when it comes to hardships this can let you experience the worst.
The truth will help you create your role in a positive lifetime marriage. The Truth: Men and women are not equal. Thank God. We are different as individuals and, in that difference, lies part of the answer to a happy marriage. What we choose to do with those differences determines, perhaps more than love, what our relationship will look like. And it’s not a fifty-fifty deal. A truly happy and lifetime marriage relationship is a seventy five: seventy five proposition (75:75) and all marriages will have problems at some time. It’s inevitable. Differences and intimacy are a recipe for conflict.
By giving more than half, with the faith that you are both committed to the same marriage team and by communicating for understanding, with the goal of a winning marriage, you can overcome the inevitable problems of creating a happy married life. You can prosper and be happy when you each give seventy five percent to your marriage.
When you know that your partner is contributing more than their fair share, it’s easier for you to do the same. Even though the fairy tales aren’t always right, there can be a happy ending; a happy married life for those of you who commit to giving more to your marriage. When you communicate for understanding, and make your relationship a priority, you do have a chance of succeeding where so many other millions have failed. Yes, it takes work.