Month: July 2016

9 Essential Symptoms Of Spiritual Awakening That You Could Notice.

Spiritual awakening

Recently on the Internet I discovered a few lists of the signs of spiritual awakening (sometimes also referred to as symptoms of spiritual awakening). The lists I’ve come across so far are vague and unclear (for example: headaches and body aches, feeling as though you’re on an emotional roller coaster “for no reason,” changes in energy levels, sleep patterns, jobs, and/or relationships, gaining or losing weight, even an itchy scalp–all apparently for no reason), so I decided to come up with my own list of what I understand to be the most essential and relevant signs and symptoms of spiritual awakening.

The following is a list of nine things I experienced during the process of awakening:

1. Synchronicities that are meaningful to you. (These help point you in the right direction or help spark an important new insight.)

2. Intensely painful life “changes” that you can’t explain or know how you’ll get through. (This assures that you look within for the answers. Note that “change” is often a polite way of saying “loss.”)

3. All-consuming inner contemplation followed by possible reassessment of beliefs, especially at 3 or 4 in the morning (often triggered by happenings or things you can’t explain using your current belief systems or knowledge).

4. Receiving “secret messages” from people who aren’t aware they’re relaying special messages to you. (If they had known, they may have hesitated, and sometimes spirit just doesn’t want to take chances.)

5. Having the same thing (especially something that’s unusual) happen to you two or three times in a relatively short period of time, like, say, 24 hours. (This assures that you actually notice what your higher self wants you to notice.)

6. Waking up in the middle of the night feeling intense confusion. (This means your beliefs are being re-evaluated. Before you become clear and solid in your new awakened state, you will no doubt find yourself mucking through a period of deep confusion.)

7. Favorable synchronicities that happen regularly. (You can expect these to occur after you regularly follow through with your inner guidance.)

8. Intense, vivid dreams that seem to point you in a certain direction. (The further along in the process you are, the clearer your dreams will be and the more your dreams will help guide you in your daily life. The dreams will be in metaphor form, often in metaphors that make sense to you.)

9. Finding yourself laughing more often. (Sometimes you will wake up in the middle of the night, think something profound that’s also funny, and then laugh your head off. This is not a joke. Your higher self is playful and wants you to have fun while you’re awakening.)

Experiencing any (or all) of these signs means that spirit (your higher self) is trying to get your attention! Also, spirit is playful and wants you to enjoy the awakening process (it’s not all about pain and drama but about enlightenment, about becoming light-hearted). You will also be amazed at the creativity of your higher self.

Remember, the fast track to spiritual awakening does not depend on how much fame or fortune you’re born with (or currently possess), or on how many advanced degrees you have, but on how much you’re willing to (temporarily) forgo your comfort zones for the noble purpose of personal and spiritual growth. This is important because it is your individual growth that is of utmost importance at this crossroad in humanity’s collective evolution. Remember also that the signs and symptoms you experience aren’t just signs or symptoms; they are designed to assist you in the spiritual awakening process.

Source: 

10 Insane Reasons Why You Are Not Able To Meditate?

Obstacles in meditation mentioned by Patanjali:

Meditation is not hard!we are treating it as a difficult process because ,we are constantly listening to other people but never tried it seriously .It is our imposition of what meditation must be that makes it seems so. Allow me to explain:

As humans, we are vexed with stress. We hear about the meditation and its promise of peace and we are naturally drawn to meditate.

We sit down on the couch and notice that the mind is a rumbling chattering of clashing thoughts, an expression of the stress we are trying to escape.

We notice that the rumbling goes on and on, and we want to quiet it down.

You see, meditation is the noticing, not the quieting.

It is just like a parent telling their kids that they are making too much noise. The kids cannot notice because they are being the noise. The adult can notice because they have enough calm spaciousness to tell. If you can tell that your mind is a rambling rumble of thoughts, you are being the parent…you are noticing…you are meditating successfully!before knowing obstacles I thing you must read about 10-things-to-know-before-you-start-meditating

But its time to face the truth, the reality is different.We will be having too much troubles here is first shit:

1) Wandering of the mind:

You might have observed that whenever we start meditation ,our mind keeps wandering no matter how good you are at meditation.One may find it very hard to meditate because the mind keeps wondering.This restless wandering of mind is called Vikshepa in Sanskrit. This obstacle appears when the mind has a preponderance of Rajas(know more about Rajas) nature of mind.

2) Boredom:

After a while the novelty of practicing meditation  starts wearing off, and our minds become reluctant to meditate.such reluctance is caused by the natural tendency of the mind to get bored doing same thing over and over again.
we must exercise will power to overcome this obstacle. Whether our mind like it or not, we should forcibly persuade our minds to continue doing meditation.

3) Unwelcome thoughts start arising in the mind:

While meditation we often find it hard to concentrate on our breath (our object of meditation) because of unwanted thoughts arising in our minds.
For instance, if one had an unpleasant argument with another person, the thought of that unpleasant experience might arise in the mind and disturb the practice of  meditation.such thoughts can be very frustrating.

4) Sleep:

This is the most common obstacle we always face, we often fall asleep while trying to meditate. This sleep, called Laya in Sanskrit.
Meditation is an intense concentration, and if the mind is not under control, it is hard to concentrate.
An uncontrolled mind naturally resents being controlled, and when one forcibly tries to concentrate the mind, one falls asleep.This is Laya. Laya is a very restful and refreshing sleep, and those not experienced in meditation may consider it some kind of spiritual experience. It is caused by a temporary preponderance of Tamas guna.

5) Reluctance to practice meditation:

During meditation we may suffer from a feeling of intense reluctance to practice meditation. At that time meditation appears to be extremely dry andtasteless. This obstacle is caused by past thoughts lying latent in the mind.
No thought is ever lost. All past thoughts are stored in the subconscious level of the mind. They lie there like a seed. Just as every seed retains the characteristics of its plant ,so also these seed thoughts retain the characteristics of  their full-blown conscious state.

6) Disease:

An ordinary person’s body and mind are closely intertwined. If anything happens to the body, the mind becomes affected. When the body becomes diseased, the mind also gets affected.
A disturbed mind can’t meditate. Most diseases can be prevented by a healthy life style- a life of moderation.Don’t meditate during illness.

7) Attachment :

Attachment to objects of sense pleasure is a great obstacle in meditation. Such attachment causes the tendency not to give up sense pleasure. We have to wean ourselves away from sensual pleasures to overcome this obstacle.
According to Patanjali , meditation on the pure heart of a holy person who has gone beyond attachment to the sense objects can help us to overcome this obstacle, because what we think with great concentration,that we eventually become.

8) clinging to life:

Instinctive and obsessive clinging to the body- the unrealistic yearning to perpetuate the existence of the body for long time,if not forever- is calledAbhinivesha. Such clinging is a great obstacle to experiencing the pure- perfect and ever-blissful nature of the soul or Divine self.We should realize the inevitability of death and be mentally prepared for it. We should meditate on it.

9) Irregular breathing:

When mind lacks control and concentration, it can be swayed by fluctuating moods, causing irregular breathing. The practice of rhythmic or regulated breathing under guidance of a component teacher enables us to overcome irregular breathing.

10) Despair:

Despair is caused by disappointment at not having one’s expectations fulfilled. One should minimize expectations to prevent despair.  

So guys these are the fundamental obstacles mentioned by Patanjali in our daily practices , have you encountered any strange obstacle please comment and let us know.

 

Source:

 

8 Ancient Yin-Yang Facts You Never Knew – Thousand Thoughts

Chinese medicine is based upon the observation of nature. The Tao,  the way of nature,is at the heart of Chinese philosophy with the principle of Yin and Yang at the root of the belief. In the symbol of Tao, we see that black and white aspects are in perfect balance.
The fact that the image is a perfect circle really makes absolute sense. The universe runs in circles, creates circles. Our Earth is a sphere, Its orbit of the sun is circular, the galaxy revolves as a circle. The earth rotates on its North-South axis in a circular pattern. Everything spins. “The whole world is just a circle without a beginning, nobody knows where it really ends”.

The yin represents the feminine: negative, contraction, water, dark,  female, earth, tiger, colour orange.

The yang represents the masculine aspects: Positive, expansion, fire, male, heaven, light, dragon, colour azure.

But the interesting thing about the  Yin and Yang symbol, is that in the centre of each part there is a smaller circle, which is in the opposite colour telling that the world is not just a partition of opposites against each other. Within each the Yin and the Yang there exists the seed of the other. This is absolute observation.
When yin becomes thinner, yang becomes stronger. If you look further, you will see there is a white circle in the yang and a black circle in the yin, thus signifying the duality of nature that exists in all forms. The Chinese don’t believe in absolute or ideas: everything is relative,flexible, and ever changing.Within yin, there is yang. within yang there is yin. This is the ever changing phenomenon of all living beings.
Cold is seen as yin in nature, but at the extreme of cold, there is heat- as in dry ice which can burn. Conversely, a fever, which is yang, can cause shivering. This is the balance that the body naturally tries to achieve from moment without our effort or awareness. But in illness, this harmony is disrupted.In Chinese medicine, we try to re-establish balance through lifestyle,changes,diet,herbs and acupuncture.

Yin-Yang Balance

Everything in life has opposites: Yin-Yang.
  • The most common yin-yang imbalance is a stress arousal. Stress arousal increases the adrenaline and cortisol levels which suppress the immune system. Stress is misplaced effort and takes away the energy required for healing.That is why we take rest when we have a fever.
  • Ultradian healing response is the second major yin-yang imbalance. Every 90 to 120 minutes, our mind-body goes through the period of daydream or slowing called ‘Ultradian healing response’. If we artificially keep perked up with coffee,cigarette, or workaholic , we are neglecting our healing cycle. Meditation,daydreaming,healthy snacks, or simple quite time allow us to take advantage of this healing cycle.Physical exercise is the yang side of the rest.

The ancients believed that what nature is composed of, we are composed of. Each human being is a microscopic part of the macrocosm. We have within us the five elements or phases: earth, metal, water,wood, and fire. Each of these elements has a personality and an internal milieu connected with who we are.No aspects of  person functions as an independent, discrete entity. Each physical function is connected to an emotional aspect. Each governs an organ,sensory perception or season. There is an interplay between them that our physical and emotional relationship in balance.

  • We can relate this essence as different concepts those are being used to describe universal eternal energy: Chi, Chakra, Aether, Mana, Magic, Aura, The Force, ext.
  • Though Yin and Yang are different,truly they are not just equal opposites ,but are two of the same.
  • Yin-Yang continuously share each others essence in order to create balance its own positive and negative essences.
  • Our overall universe itself is a yin-yang where everything is connected to this energy as a big system. This system is interconnected by two fundamental forces yin and yang.
  • According to legend, the Chinese emperor Fu Hsi (2852-2738 BCE) said that the best state for everything in the universe is a state of harmony represented by a balance of yin and yang.

Accept your dark side, understanding it will help you to move with the light. Knowing both sides of our souls, helps us all to move forward in life and to understand that, perfection doesn’t exist.” –

  – Martin R. Lemieux

3 Key Techniques on How to Train Your Subconscious Mind

Subconscious Mind - Consciousness

Subconscious mind is that part of the brain that functions 24/7, but we essentially do not notice it. It holds a plethora of information that we may come across just once, but our brain processes it in our subconscious state of mind. This part of the brain does wonders to those who know precisely how to use it in a positive way. Don’t be wary of its power to bring changes in your life.

The Invisible Hand

There are billions of people in this world and all are different in one way or the other. However, there are areas where people also familiarize others. For instance, some people look similar, some study the same discipline, some are financially equivalent, and some struggle for similar desires and ambitions. You can find many people who are similar in every manner yet lead totally different lives.

It’s not hard to find two or more people who possess the same academic qualification, intelligence level, and goals in life. Nevertheless, the lives of each are likely to be significantly different from the rest of the people in the group. The underlying reasons behind variations in lifestyle and success/failure can be numerous. For instance, their social network, financial background, external stimuli or opportunities, luck, physical appearance, or maybe an invisible hand could be the reason.

One thing that is common in almost every successful person is his/her belief. They empower themselves with self-control, motivation, willpower, and discipline. Believing that you are entitled to success is not wrong if you keep working hard to achieve success. Wealth, fame, position, and peace of mind cannot be gifted to you, so you must admit that internal drive to achieve your goals is one big factor that can make your dreams come true.

Your subconscious mind is that powerful internal drive!

In order to use your subconscious mind and to make the most of its incredible power, you must know how to train your subconscious mind. Though it may be a bit challenging in the very beginning, you will develop the habit of working as per the required conditions.

#1

The first step is to train your subconscious mind to solve problems. This is basically an attempt to improve your analytical skills. Whenever confronted with a problem which you cannot figure out the possible solution to, let your subconscious mind assume your conscious mind’s responsibility. All you need to do is to think about the problem for a while. You can also write a problem statement and keep reviewing it for a few minutes.

Instill the thought that you want your subconscious mind to derive out the possible solution to the problem. Now stop thinking about the problem altogether and just continue with routine tasks. A solution will eventually click in your mind within a few days; try it as it is highly likely to work out for you. This is how your subconscious mind helps you in resolving problems.

You can also go the other way around. Review the problem, think about alternative solutions, evaluate and weigh each one of them in terms of their respective pros and cons. Now stop thinking about it until your subconscious mind processes all alternatives to bring out the best option for you. Your analytical skills improve over time and with use.

#2

Meditation holds importance with reference to training your subconscious mind. Get inspired by new beliefs, think about new ideas, and learn to believe in yourself. Meditation will help you achieve desired levels of mental focus and concentration so that you can gain cognitive power. It also enables you to enjoy the present, while planning for the future.

#3

Repeated visualization is extremely effective in training your subconscious mind to enable you to accomplish targets. Set exciting goals, be passionate about them, and imagine the end objective on frequent basis like thrice a day or so. Your mind will then accept the visualization as a part of reality and you will start working to achieve the set goals.

Empowered By Sensitivity: What Type Of Empath Are You?

empath-training-sensitivity

Empowered by sensitivity?  It sounds strange doesn’t it?  Sort of ironic, contradictory, even mutually exclusive.

How can you be empowered by something so soft, subtle and delicate, in a world full of hard, overpowering and loud people?  Indeed, many of us Empaths get trampled, used, thrown around, and taken advantage of.  But we have a secret.

Deep down inside, beyond the veil of our superficial appearances, we harbor something quiet, but powerful.  Our gifts don’t dominate, tyrannize or overthrow people, but that doesn’t detract from their strength, or usefulness.  If anything, our powerful but subtle gifts benefit us more in the long term, allowing us to gather emotional, psychological and physical information from our surroundings that is often inaccessible and undisclosed to the average, unreceptive mind.

While we can’t bully, back-stab or use brute force, we can heal, guide, protect and deeply understand the lives of the people around us.  In essence, we can gather immense amounts of knowledge.  And knowledge, as they say, is power.

If you would like to discover whether you are an Empath, keep reading.  Also, if you would like to discover what type of Empath you are, you will discover the 10 types at the end of this article.

Are You An Empath?

If you are an Empath, you will experience a combination of some or all of the following symptoms:

  • You absorb other people’s emotions like a sponge, carrying them as your own.
  • When someone close to you is physically ill, you can feel this as physical pains in your body.
  • You often suffer from physical or mental fatigue and tiredness.
  • You find Solitude immensely refreshing, and you require it to “recharge”.
  • You often experience many mood swings or emotional states throughout the day.
  • Witnessing violence or cruelty is unbearable to you.
  • You are a very good listener.
  • People often come to you with their problems.
  • Animals and children are attracted to you.
  • You are caring and nurturing by nature.
  • You are hyper-aware of the physical environment, e.g. to smell, taste, sight, touch, hearing, etc.
  • You can’t stand interpersonal conflict.
  • Crowded places are very overwhelming and draining to you.

10 Types Of Empaths

While being an Empath can have its many positives and benefits, it can also weigh us down heavily with confusion, disorientation and anxiety.  That is why it’s important to put a name to what we individually experience to better understand ourselves, and identify others who share the same abilities as us.

For this reason, I have included below a list, and small description, of each type ofEmpath.  By understanding who you are, what gifts you possess and where you stand in life, you will be able to begin the path of Involution.

Claircognizant Empath

This is usually defined by the ability to simply know something needs to be done, or is true or misleading, without having any basis in logic or reason.  Often this type of Empath will just “know” when something is right to do, or not, or when someone is lying or hiding something.

Emotionally Receptive Empath

Most Empaths are emotionally receptive, and can physically and emotionally feel the emotions from other people before they are even expressed.

Physically Receptive Empath

Many Empaths are also physically receptive to other people’s illnesses and bodily pains.  This often manifests itself in the Empath’s own body, and can be an especially useful skill in healing.

Fauna Empath

This type of Empath can hear, feel and interact with animals.

Flora Empath

This type of Empath can communicate with plants, being able to receive physical and emotional signals.

Geomantic Empath

The Geomantic Empath can read the energy and signals transmitted by the earth.  Many are able to feel/predict natural disasters before they occur.

Medium Empath

This type of Empath can either see, hear, feel (or a combination of these elements) spirits, usually from deceased individuals.

Psychometric Empath

This manifests itself as the ability to receive information, energy and impressions from physical objects, e.g. photographs, clothing, jewelry, utensils, etc.

Precognitive Empath

This type of Empath can feel the occurrence of an event or situation before it actually happens.  This is usually manifested in dreams, or as physical/emotional sensations, for instance: dread, anxiety, or excitement.

Telepathic Empath

The ability to accurately read a person’s unexpressed thoughts is the main defining feature of the Telepathic Empath.

***

Being an Empath can be difficult and confusing, but with awareness of your gifts and abilities, you can refine them and use them to guide, heal and protect yourself and the people you love.

My hopes are that the information within this article can continue to make ripples within your life.  Please share with me any stories or experiences you have below.  This will help all of us broaden our knowledge and understanding of what it is to be an Empath!

Source: Loner Wolf

How I Learned To Love Being Alone

how I learned to be alone

In my free time, I take myself on dates.

This can be anything from getting a table for one at a restaurant, watching a film or theatre performance, or walking along a park trail and then sitting on a bench watching the sunset.

I first discovered the genius of self-dates at the age of 17. Prior to that, running errands alone was not a problem. It was doing enjoyable activities alone that seemed so strange and foreign. Being left alone for a few minutes in a coffee shop made me nervous, and the idea of eating at a restaurant or seeing a movie by myself seemed, well, sad.

Plainly, I was self-conscious. I didn’t want to seem like a loner and wanted to avoid any stares that came my way. It’s not that I didn’t have friends to do things with. Interests and schedules don’t always align. So I forced myself to stop being so reliant on others to join me in order to go places and have a nice time.

In a burst of spontaneity one day, I decided to see the re-make film “True Grit” while waiting for my take out order of Italian sausage pasta. When my food was ready, there was only enough time to head to the theatres and buy my ticket. Although well aware of the theatre’s “No outside food” policy, I was hungry, and decided to take my chances.

Like any first date, my first self-date started a bit awkwardly. Also, my bag wasn’t large enough to conceal my dinner. To my surprise, the stub collector simply stared at my noisy plastic bag of food and let me continue onward without questions. Once inside, I plopped myself in a prime viewing seat—free of any tall giraffes obstructing my view—and began picking at my food.

When the movie started, and I was transported to another world and another time, the awareness of being alone left me. The duration of the film was enjoyed without interruption, and when it was over, a couple seated in the row in front of me, turned back to chat a bit about it—and my pasta.

Since then, I have gone on to do more things—alone. I learned there are many pros, such as getting away with some things more easily (like the pasta incident). Sometimes being alone allows me to see more. I found that more people approach me at events to chat—it’s how some friendships have begun. I even met one of my music heroes. Most recently, I got free admission to see a wonderful city view from an observatory.

Most of all, I have gained confidence in being independent, and learned that people aren’t staring as much as I thought. Even if they do, it doesn’t bother me. These days, it’s not even about not having someone to go with—I just love my alone time. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, at any pace that I want. 

Author: Bianca Sewake

Source: ThoughtCatalog

Loners Are Some of the Most Intellectual and Loyal People You’ll Ever Meet

loners can be most intellectual and loyal
Loners Are Some of the Most Intellectual and Loyal People You’ll Ever Meet
In fact, their intelligence makes them capable of being content in solitude. That’s why I grow weary of all the negative talk about those who wish to enjoy time alone, away from the multitude.
 
Being a loner doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. If you think this way, you’re wrong. It’s not my opinion, it’s fact. You didn’t write the alphabet and you didn’t make the rules. There are many ingredients in the soup! Let me sort this out for you. I believe a little snatching up and rearranging is due.
First off, I’m not attacking anyone, I’m standing up for the little man, the one in the dark corner and the one whose been bullied far too long. In fact, I would love to help you get to know the loner, the introvert, the confident and quiet intellectual. Hopefully, you are no longer offended and maybe even a little curious about the loner. First, I need to clear something up.
There are two types of loners
The loner isn’t always an introvert, actually. Sometimes, the loner has a perfect ability to make friends, socialize and even get loads of attention. It’s just that they prefer to be alone. They have friends too! Loners have the ability to make top notch friends because they choose to choose carefully. Their friends are usually in a small group as well. Extroverted loners are picky about their time, selfish even, meaning they love to learn about themselves and continually learn things about life as well. And no, that doesn’t mean they are self-absorbed. I’m not positive because I am a rather introverted loner, but extroverted loners probably don’t have time for small talk either.
Jonathon Cheek, psychologist at Wellesley College, said,
“Some people simply have a low need for affiliation.”
On the flip side, the introverted loner is a little different. They have issues with large crowds of people, it’s not just a choice. Introverts feel safer alone, there is no risk of social awkwardness or rejection. Although they might choose animal friends over human counterparts, as many of us do, introverted loners still care. They are intelligent and find ways to socialize a bit through online communications rather than events or concerts, which can be devastating to their peace of mind.
Some think being an introverted loner is unhealthy. They feel that enforced alone time is close to anxiety. I can understand this personally, as I have endured panic attacks when experiencing the chaotic environment of an amusement park. This is because introverts can be victims of stimulus overload! Introverted loners need more time for meditation and pampering the senses.
Whew!
I hope this helps, both you and me, because there are so many reasons, to be honest, as to why someone would choose more alone time. It could be heredity, the desire for privacy or even the result of not having many friends as a child. And don’t forget, being a loner is not the same as being lonely. I, for one, spent an entire year as a single mom with joint custody. I missed my children when they were away but it was not because I was alone. The weeks that I was by myself, I met myself. I got to know who I was and what I liked about myself. This was invaluable time that I used to learn that I needed no one to tell me who I was or how I should feel. I spent time with me and found some solid foundation on which to stand my ground, as needed. I embraced being a loner.
Loners are some of the most intellectual and loyal people you will ever meet. They can also be dangerous. Why, you ask. Because they already know what they are capable of and they no longer have to pretend. Knowledge, to the loner, is not intimidating. It is simply another opportunity to realize the strength of solitude.
Never look down on the loner. And loners, never look down on the social butterflies either.
It’s better if we work together and appreciate our differences. That’s where true intelligence and loyalty lie.
Author: Sherrie is a freelance writer and artist with over 10 years of experience. She spends most of her time giving life to the renegade thoughts. As the words erupt and form new life, she knows that she is yet again free from the nagging persistence of her muse. She is a mother of three and a lifetime fan of the thought-provoking and questionable aspects of the universe.

I Was In A Dom/Sub Relationship And It Was A F*cking DISASTER

[caption id="attachment_2007" align="alignnone" width="824"]Credit: WEHEARIT Credit: WEHEARIT[/caption]

He instructed me to strip, to crawl on the floor and fellate him.

I texted him as soon as I woke up.

“What do you want me to wear today?”

I brushed my teeth and washed my face while I waited for him to text me back.

“White button-down shirt. Tuck it in. Your jeans. Flats. Put your hair in a ponytail. Send me a photo.”

I dressed as instructed, then stood before the wall-length mirror in my apartment’s hallway. Smiling into the mirror, I snapped a photo on my iPhone and sent it to Ben*.

Thirty seconds later, a text message: “Very nice.” Then I knew I could leave for work.

Ben wasn’t abusive. I wasn’t being hurt, nor was I unhappy. We were in a dominant/submissive relationship — or playing at one, anyway — and following his orders got me unbelievably turned on.

Ben cheated on his girlfriend, Rachel, with me; he lied about going on a break with her for me. I was so upset when I found out he lied that I emailed her and told her he’d been cheating. But I haven’t been totally forthcoming about the nature of our relationship. Ben and I weren’t just friends who became attracted to each other; we were both extremely interested in exploring sexual roles as a dom (him) and a sub (me).

Ben cheated on his girlfriend with me, I can now clearly see, because he has strong, natural impulses to dominate a woman in bed. And his girlfriend, Rachel, wouldn’t let him. When we were just close friends, Ben would gripe to me about how he and Rachel rarely had sex.

As time passed, Ben and I talked frequently over IM or over the phone, and flirted with each other more and more. It’s not exactly a secret that I have a fetish about being spanked and at some point — clearly crossing the line of what was appropriate for a guy with a girlfriend and his cute single friend to be discussing — Ben told me he loved spanking women.

He loved it. He loved all types of light, sexual domination play — tying women up, using his paddle, hair-pulling — and Rachel wasn’t into any of that. And when it came to outside-of-bed stuff, Ben described Rachel as resisting his natural inclination toward leadership.

She didn’t particularly like him being protective toward her and he said they bickered constantly. So you can see why I saw an “in” here.

I should be clear, though: Ben wasn’t the first guy I’d come across who professed a liking for domination play. My first serious high school boyfriend was actually the one who flipped the pervert switch, making me realize that getting spanked turned me on. My boyfriends freshman and sophomore year of college both spanked me. And this other guy I dated in college actually took me to a “spanking club” in New York City where he rented a paddle and spanked me in public.

Then I dated Jason* after college and, through my relationship with him, I learned that it wasn’t just spanking that turned me on — it was dominance.

Jason was over six-feet-tall, with a strong and sturdily built. He had a naturally dominant personality. He could be fearless and decisive. He could be a leader. He could be stern and take charge when he needed to. He was protective. And he spanked me and dominated me in bed all the time, of course. But outside of bed, which was starting to feel like catnip in this new, weird way, I always felt “safe” with him because of the way he took charge.

It didn’t work out with Jason for other reasons, but he left me with 100 questions: I’m a feminist. Why do I like this so much? Isn’t this wrong? How can I be a good feminist and still like a man taking charge outside the bedroom?

It was 2006 around this time, so of course I spent a lot of time on Google looking for the answers. By searching terms like “spanking” and “domination,” I discovered many women online who wrote blogs sharing the same desires I held. They had college degrees, jobs, made their own money, but they were sexually attracted to men who dominated them both inside the bedroom and outside.

(Some of these women are what’s called “domestic discipline” arrangements, which have a lot of Christian influences and would take a long time to explain.) I studied these women for over a year and published an article called “Slap Happy” in the feminist/pop culture magazine Bitchabout them. (“Slap Happy” cannot be found online, but writer Amanda Marcotte at the feminist blog Pandagon wrote about it. And my article was included on the syllabus for a Rutgers University Human Sexuality class.)

I can’t explain to you how all-consumingly liberating it felt to know it wasn’t just me who wanted this. This is something hundreds of other women and men love, I thought. This is a part of me and my sexuality that I can be honest about.

I was pretty sure I didn’t want to be dominated by a man all the time like these women; though the idea of domination “play” some of the time, like Jason and I had engaged in, aroused me more than I had ever felt before.

Back to Ben: when he revealed to me that he got off from being dominant, I felt like I’d found the golden ticket. We not only shared the same kink but the same intensity for it. Ben wanted dominance and submission “play,” but all the time? Seriously? Where had he been all my life?

But because Ben was still dating Rachel, we didn’t do anything about this for a long time. We flirted for months and months, occasionally talking about our mutual love of spanking and domination, but in the one very intense month after he said he wanted to break up with Rachel to be with me, domination and submission “play” consumed us. First musing about it. Then doing it over IM, email, phone and text message.

Much of the non-sexual domination “play” with Ben was just a shift of our regular friendship: We’d talk about the stuff we’d usually talk about, but he would take a more dominant role, sternly issuing instructions. For example, I had a co-worker who was experiencing some difficulties, and being the naturally hyper-anxious person that I am I’d fret all the time about the fate of her job.

“Don’t worry about her; it’s not your responsibility. Worry about yourself,” he would say. And I would follow his instructions.

But there was the more obvious domination “play” component: As part of our “play,” I would ask him permission to do lots of things. I told him about all the kinds of bras and panties in my drawers, and each morning he’d tell me which ones to wear, which I would send him in a photo.

I would ask him how to dress each morning. I would ask him if I could watch a movie or if I had to work on writing a freelance article more. If I “disobeyed” him during this sexy-talk “play,” he would tell me over the phone or over IM how he would “punish” me.

But it was the sexual domination that was most amazing to me. Even though we physically had not been intimate with each other yet because of his girlfriend, we had phone sex with each other frequently where he’d verbally explain to me how he was going to spank me.

And much of our IM chats and emails were dirty talk about future spanking “punishments” to come: He would promise I’d be spanked 10 times for this or that infraction. He’d also tell me whether he was going to spank me with his hands or with his paddle. And, of course, we would talk dirty at length about having intercourse. Through all of this, he wanted me to call him “sir.”

Basically, Ben was one kinky motherf*cker.

For the first few weeks, I was horny constantly. And I mean constantly. Never before in my life have I experienced such weeks-long periods of horniness. One weekend, I couldn’t handle the horniness anymore and slept with two different guys and made out with a third. And trust me, I’d never done that before. I really felt like my sexuality had awakened and been released, roaring from the gate.

All the buildup actually raised my expectations too much, because the one and only time Ben and I were physically intimate with each other, it was a bit of a disappointment. Oh yes, he was sexually dominant: He instructed me to strip, to crawl on the floor and fellate him, and he spanked me with the paddle he kept in his closet.

But something about him seemed skittish, like he wasn’t giving 100 percent. I remember thinking, Where’s the guy who is a marvelous dirty-talker? The deflation could have been because Ben was cheating on Rachel with me; however, I got the sense that Ben liked talking about dom/sub more than actually doing it.

I never got to that find out: A week or so later, everything with Ben crashed and burned. It was messy, it was bad, and it was a horrible time in my life. (It’s not necessarily worth repeating and if you must, you can read about it here.)

My spectacular crash-and-burn at a dom/sub relationship, even though it was messy, was educational in ways I never could have imagined. I now see that what Ben and I had wasn’t aromance and we had no foundation to sustain a relationship beyond sex. That was just a disaster waiting to happen.

But I also realize now that Ben and I didn’t know what we were doing and we didn’t have the foundation of trust that a dom/sub relationship needs. Not “should have,” but “needs.” With no exceptions.

I gave Ben trust that he had not earned yet. When he would instruct me to stop worrying about my co-worker, I would listen, but really Ben had done nothing to prove he was worthy of this trust. In fact, if anything, he was negatively trustworthy for not having ended his relationship with Rachel yet. It was my fault for trusting a man who wasn’t trustworthy and I take full responsibility for that.

I also learned that when it comes to sex, sometimes people like talking about stuff more than they like doing it. They think they want it. They say they want it. But — and this is where needing to be able to trust someone’s word comes in — they’re afraid to fully experience what all their sexual impulses are telling them.

Maybe it’s because it’s scary to them. Maybe it’s because it’s so taboo. I don’t really know; I just know that Ben turned out to be that person while I was not.

I’m glad I have nothing whatsoever to do with Ben anymore, but I’m kind of bummed my first foray into a dom/sub relationship didn’t work out. I really would have loved it. Now, I’m in a loving, committed relationship with the man I’m going to marry and we have a happy sex life, but he doesn’t share the same desire for dom/sub “play” that I have.

But these days, given how I had such a negative experience with domination the first time, I’m not eager to repeat it.

Written by Jessica Wakeman.

Source: Yourtango